Tq Bear's Dark Years

Well......

2009-03-31T20:05:00.006-07:00

My life fell apart about 3 months ago and I stopped writing in here because it seemed to be the cause when it happened. However it really wasn't. He was just using it as an excuse for his disreputable behavior. Basically the whole time I've had this blog my husband has been cheating on me. All the times I wrote on here how lonely I was and how I felt so alone in this, I really was. He's had

Before I add this last post...

2009-03-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

I have to add my journal entry for the last few months. So things are going to seem a little random but bear with me.

The Healing Process

2009-01-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

It's getting better. I know this healing process is not going to be easy or quick. I know that I am on a hard and arduous journey. Even with the task so long and difficult before me I am starting to feel a little normal. I have moments of disorientation. These moments are less and less though.It's only been 25 days and it feels like each day has been a week. each day I have struggled to

Do-Over

2009-01-29T20:01:00.002-07:00

Today we had our first marriage counseling session. It went extremely well. it hurt to hear Torrey talk so casually about his affairs. However our Psychologist Dr. Treegoob was courteous and supportive. He said it is VERY rare for a woman to forgive her spouse enough to commit to renewing the marriage. He explained to Torrey that he had a marital "re-do, meaning that we can start over and

Shocked Stupid

2009-01-28T17:23:00.002-07:00

I talked to T's ex-gf today, she says she is pregnant. She believes the child is T's I am totally stupefied.What was strange about the conversation was that God wouldn't let me cuss her out. He used me to show her that we were both deceived. I began by telling her that T really is a good man, he has just made some poor choices. It was surreal. I couldn't believe that I was being nice to the

Ruminations may cause sleeplessness

2009-01-21T04:17:00.001-07:00

I've been taking sleeping pills almost every night just so I can sleep. Not to mention my pain level is probably the highest it's been since we moved to AZ. I can't begin to explain every emotion, I can't explain why I can't sleep. I have friends I can talk to, I have family. Yet all I can think about is how embarrassed I am. How stupid and foolish this man has made me look.I don't want to

Rightfully concerned

2009-01-19T01:26:00.000-07:00

I'm concerned. I'm afraid that my husband is luring me into a false sense of trust. I really do believe that he is sorry for being such an a**hole. I think thought that it would be easier to believe in his sincerity if he wasn't trying so hard. I've believed his lies for so long that I'm extremely wary of further deceit. It all comes rushing back to this trust issue. As much as he thinks I

Stuck with my thoughts

2009-01-18T03:23:00.001-07:00

Haven't done much thinking today, which is a good thing. I'll have to say something for T, he really is trying to keep me happy. He made dinner tonight and didn't once complain about having to do so. He's also seeing me for the first time in a long time. I have to wonder if it's the Love Dare Book or is he really seeing me.The more I wonder about our future together, the more certain I am

Interesting Outing

2009-01-17T04:19:00.000-07:00

Torrey and I went out this evening. Our first evening out in about 8 months. We were easier, with each other than we have been in years. however the pall of our marital problems hung over the entire evening. the movie we went to see- Not Easily Broken was excellent. It was just what we needed to hear.Dinner before was delicious and relaxed. I missed just being able to talk and enjoy his

Truly Amazing

2009-01-16T19:18:00.004-07:00

Today something truly amazing happened. For the first time in about eight, maybe nine years I saw Candace. It was beyond strange. I was walking with Tatyanna and saw this beautiful plus sized woman. I thought to myself, what a beautiful full figured woman. Then I bemusedly realized that it was me, but not because I recognized myself. But because I recognized my daughter. It was such a

Upside down

2009-01-15T03:49:00.001-07:00

So my life is so upside down. Everything I have believed in for the last 10 years has been nothing but lies. I don't even know what was truth and what wasn't. Did T ever tell me the truth? Was anything he ever said to me real? Has he ever respected me to tell me an ounce of truth? I feel like such a fool. I've based my whole being on a man who has been lying to me for over 10 years.Are the

What I witnessed today......

2008-11-04T22:53:00.002-07:00

Today I got up @ 5am. Got in my van and drove to the polls. I talked politics with my 2 Arizona bf's. One a Republican and one a Democrat. I watched the election from my computer, my living room and my bedroom. And as my 7 y/o daughter and my 12 y/o son fought to stay awake..... I watched the First Black President elected to the United States of America.To say that I was tearful or

As the world tilts.....

2008-10-22T07:56:00.001-07:00

My father is ill and it seems to be altering my world perceptions. I seem to be,lost in this gray fog made of all the points in my life my father has affected. Needless to say I'm quite surrounded. You never realize how someone affects your very way of thinking until you may lose them. I've noticed that smells and sounds are triggering mostly memories of my father. I'm stuck in this constant

the world at it's craziest

2008-10-10T09:55:00.002-07:00

So the world has gone totally wacky between the financial crisis the presidential election and my life it's been a whorl wind. I ran up to Ohio for a month cuz the family has been in crisis and unfortunately due to the touchy nature of the crisis I can't delve here. Lets just say that it is a mess. I feel as if it was a less than productive journey.I came back to my own life and it's mess.

widget

2008-07-07T03:04:00.001-07:00

In Remembrance

2008-06-25T14:32:00.010-07:00

Memorial Day CommentsToday is a very sad and special day for me. I usually don't think about this day through out the year. And for the last couple years it has vaguely crossed my mind. However at 2 am today I woke up and realized that today was the day I almost lost my husband. The day of the Khobar Towers bombing, June 25, 1996- 12 years ago, today. Why today of all days that I should

The children left for texas on the 2 of June

2008-06-23T17:13:00.002-07:00

what am I going to do fo a month w/o my poogles. I deem to be productive lets see how far I get, lol.

Due to Face-crack and Packrat

2008-06-23T16:58:00.002-07:00

When I posted about the Packrat game I DID NOT KNOW that is would take over my life. I have always, constantly and unrelentingly berated my husband, son and brother for playing the Xbox all the time. And now I find myself in my garage, that is NOT air conditioned, w/ 2 FANS on me in 115 degree weather, trading, bargaining, and waiting for cards to come up in the Packrat markets. I have 83+

I have the most enjoyable game for me on the internet

2008-05-29T11:14:00.004-07:00

I happily wandered into Facebook and discovered this marvelous game called Packrat. It has me totally captivated. I am a FIRM believer in reading, playing outside, socializing and being active. However I've finally found the lure of video games. Although Packrat is more of a trading game with some fun twists it is still a game. It is also extremely addicting, I have to set time limits for

Went to see the New Chronicles of Narnia Yesterday

2008-05-27T12:29:00.003-07:00

It was fantabulous! I first read the books when I was eight. They were a birthday present from godfather, nowadays to be reading Chronicles at eight is not unusual but then it was very rare. I think it took me until the summer to finish them. which is pretty fast for an eight year old, lol Now it takes me roughly a day or 2 maybe three depending on my schedule and life's challenges to

Okay the weather here is freaky

2008-05-22T19:03:00.002-07:00

On Monday my brother and I went to my PT appointment and then to the kids school for the talent Show rehearsal. When we got out the car we took the T-shirts I had made into office because it was pushing 110 outside and I was afraid they would melt. Today it is cloudy- COLD (68) and threatening to storm. I don't know what is going on with AZ weather but this is wierd. I'm all achy and my

I made these with the help of my son

2008-05-20T20:26:00.004-07:00

My son and daughter wanted to do the talent show w/ their friends for the end of the school year fling so I choreographed pieces for them and made shirts here are the shirts. They took Marcel and I several hours to complete. We had painted them with puff paint after ironing on transfers for the outlines. Marcel painted his shirt and Rashaia's shirt. I painted the rest, and did all the

Is there such a thing as MAD busy?

2008-05-15T08:06:00.005-07:00

If there is, then I'm it. The last week has been a whirl wind of events. From- the beginning-Thursday- my dd and one of her Phoenix bf's (she has 2) tried out for the school talent show, and got in. They are both very excited and I am happy to be working with them. In the midst of that a discovered another group of talent ladies to help w/ the talent show, in my son's class. So I am now

Blessed and so very thankful...

2008-05-07T13:23:00.004-07:00

I can not even think of the friends I have that have complained about their in laws. It would be too arduous and numerous to name them all. I think about these people and must comment on how God has blessed me. I have to say that I have by far and away the best IL's EVER! This no joke and I would not state it if it wasn't true.It didn't start out that way of course, this is a relationship

the signs of a bad fibro day

2008-05-06T11:22:00.004-07:00

Today I woke up and realized it was going to be a bad Fibro day. then I realized that I've never explained what a bad Fibro day actually feels like. Now I'm going to describe a day of about an 8 on the pain scale. This is where my pain is today and yes it hurts to type.So to begin we start with what happens when you wake up. Usually I realize before I get out of the bed that I'm hurting but

relaxed, rested, reprieved

2008-05-03T13:30:00.003-07:00

There something to be said for giving yourself a treat. I have to admit with money being so tight, that it was a moment of frivolity. However it was much needed, as you have seen by more recent posts. Life has been hectic, harrowing, and brutal. Yet we have remained steady and grounded. With that, my friend Steph and I decided we were going to have a us moment. We went to the nail salon

Lost in the memories

2008-05-01T01:16:00.005-07:00

I had the most wonderful phone conversation today. I was lost in memories and catching up with my oldest and dearest friend. It was soul soothing. Now matter how long it is between our conversations or meetings we notice the gaps but it's like we still live right down the street from each other. In fact he commented about the fact that my son will be starting middle school next school year. Then

Weekends on your back, definitely suck

2008-04-28T10:22:00.002-07:00

For those of you with interesting turns of the mind retrieve then from the gutter. I'm talking specifically about spending the weekend in bed because I injured my back on Thursday during a fall. Needless to say the fall aggravated my Fibro and now I'm in amounts of pain I find extremely uncomfortable.I have a doctor's appointment at 12:45 and I plan to ask for some measures to be taking. I'm

Are you an equal partner, do you know your worth?

2008-04-25T20:49:00.005-07:00

I have been married for 13 yrs in July to a wonderful man. I married young and although I have few regrets I do have some, who doesn't. However they are trivial right now, it's my current marital concerns that are not. My dh is a GOOD person, he is fair, loving, great with people, and everyone says so. Now he is really all those things, just not to me . Ever since I became ill I've kind

A tendency to dwell

2008-04-22T17:11:00.003-07:00

I have what my dh calls worry-woritis. It is a recurring and annoying syndrome. I worry about the silliest crap, and the big stuff almost drives me insane. I know you are not supposed to sweat the small stuff, but the big stuff makes me dehydrated. To say I've been dwelling on alot of really big things is kind of redundant. Life has just not been any fun here. Our finances suck, Torrey and

Waiting

2008-04-17T14:27:00.002-07:00

I write and I wait and I pray. Tatyanna's MRI was successful but I would like to avoid at all costs the image of my dd going under anesthesia. It was not something a Mother should have to experience. I am still saturating myself in te word of Gad the battle has just begun. The MRI report says that Taty has something called a Rathke's Cleft Cyst. You can read up on it here http://

When Faith is all you have

2008-04-12T12:26:00.003-07:00

Be glad that faith is all around you and is able to surround you, even when yours is sorely tried.My BABY Girl Create Your Ownmy little princess is maturing too fast. So I decided to see why, I took her to the Doctor on Friday. She's been having these really horrible headaches, more like migraines. She has enough hair on her body for a girl of 11 about to start her menses and she already

Today is NOT the day

2008-04-10T12:58:00.003-07:00

Today couldn't be the day cuz my Fibromyalgia has decided it isn't. I missed the alarm clock to wake my children, then missed them leave for school, and next thing I knew it was almost 10 am. Fibro is annoying it pleases only itself, it is in essence a whiny child. I always feel like I just linger in this life when my Fibro flares. I sit on the edge of life while it passes me, I live in the

Cracked and a little dazed

2008-04-07T18:43:00.003-07:00

. Cracked is right and dazed from drugs. While eating a snack yesterday, I hear a resounding crack. I inspect my mouth in the bathroom mirror to discover that I have cracked one of my lower right teeth. Now I have to say I have some of the most horrible teeth anywhere. I have a GORGEOUS smile, but my dental health is seriously lacking. I brush, I floss, I get cleanings but I just have BAD

2008-04-02T14:04:00.003-07:00

It's been an interesting last couple of days. I'm working on a project right now that is so far going very well. unfortunately I'm not at liberty to say what that project is at the moment. However I will say that is life changing, as well as being a really BIG surprise for all my Mommy friends.As far as the family goes the kids had been sick over the weekend and I was working on getting them

Lonely still

2008-03-30T02:33:00.002-07:00

We've been here for almost 7 months and still I get lonely. I made a LOT of very close friend in the AK and if I think about it in FL too. But I don't know it just seems really hard at this moment in time to separate myself from my feelings. Maybe Aunt Flow is coming, who knows I'm so irregular. It's just that i was just on My Space and saw an old AK friends page. Her kids have grown so much

Loopedy, loop, loop

2008-03-26T13:23:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I think I'm riding a roller coaster and I'm the one that's about ready to pee on herself. I hate roller coasters by the way. Last night was crucial, a real dozy of a pain night. 6 Percocet and 3 Flexril, and I feel like someone stuffed cotton wool in my mouth. I laid in bed an prayed that I would just pass out but no such luck. Then I started to ramble at my poor husband. I really

I'll take my aches w/ a side of blah

2008-03-25T20:02:00.003-07:00

I so overdid it yesterday. Can you say dumb? You'd think by now I would have figured out what my physical limits are. I've only been sick for oh 33 months, just short of 3 years. But nooo, I can't seem to get it. Gee Mo Peep it all aches even my pelvis. Why does my pelvis ache? I haven't used that part of my body for anything good in WEEKS! I feel like someone has beaten quite soundly with

I'm sure the world is upside down and I'm right side up

2008-03-24T18:08:00.003-07:00

Everyone I know seems to be going through the fire right now or knows someone who is. Family acting evil and indifferent, children hurting themselves, friends who have family issues. I sit here and ponder this illogical insane world. People who have no morals, or sense. Politicians that admit to stupidity and expect you to still vote for them. Husbands who choose their careers over their

I wish I had the money for a beautician!

2008-03-21T16:55:00.003-07:00

I braided my son's hair yesterday, that was chores! I wanted to post about it yesterday but after the creditor post my hands were so done. His hair has gotten so long and beautiful, it's not fair. My dd has to have dreads because her scalp is so bad and it can not tolerate relaxers anymore. I had to have all my cut off because it was breaking off and going gray from stress. It is ridiculous.

I HATE MONEY

2008-03-20T18:54:00.002-07:00

I am not a bad financial manager but Gee Mo Peep, I can not get blood out of a rock. I just spent the most harrowing moments of my life on the phone with a creditor/lawyers office. He was not nice. I'm just going to say that I HATE creditors, I HATE them. They are mean and annoying, and heartless. What made it worse was that he was trying to make me sound like I was dumb and overreacting to

Where I'm going

2008-03-19T21:39:00.004-07:00

So I've been on this mother's board since my youngest was born in 2000. It started as a Expecting Mother's board on iVillage in I'm thinking February 2000. Well we've all moved, some of us have had more children, things have changed good or bad. I'm guessing there is about 35-40 of us and that's a high number. Well to the point I'm rambling, we are all (well most of us) going to FINALLY meet

So I haven posted in awhile

2008-03-04T18:55:00.002-07:00

I think I haven't posted in awhile because well I've been too dang sick. Even now I'm tempting fate by doing all this typing. February was a rough health month for me. It was like my body was like why are you out of bed. All total I had 2 really bad flares, one of which is still around, a sinus infection and viral bronchitis. As my sister said "Where do you think this is coming from?"

So it's a new year

2008-01-02T14:52:00.001-07:00

A new year has arrived and always I'm thinking new things. New ideas places to see and be, and feel. An old year has made way for the new and I did not celebrate it's arrival, so mush as absorb it.This year I have three goals, ideas I wish to accomplish. And no it is not to lose weight. Yet though I have not come to terms with my weight. I have decided that as long as I love myself, I'm okay

Tuesday 10- 10 things about Halloween

2007-10-30T14:23:00.001-07:00

1. We don't celebrate it, however I have nothing against those who do, religious preference2. Have never celebrated it, my Dad thought it was too unsafe in the world to let us trick or treat3. Did dress up @ school when I was little, parents did allow that.4. I actually miss the dressing up part. 5. They also let us pass out candy, or at least had a big bowl for us to munch6. I sometimes feel

So we are in the new house

2007-10-29T08:29:00.001-07:00

So he we are... yes in Arizona, living in a house that is the size of a pea. The house as I told my brother is Alaska nice...as far a military houses go, that's great. However it is Florida small... as in before we had 2 kids and enough stuff to fill the moon. I want my old square footage back. I want my old colorful walls and I want my sewing room in order this house needs serious style

So we've been in Arizona 3 weeks

2007-10-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

We've been Arizona for almost 4 weeks now and I think I'm gonna like it here. Obviously it''s a big change from Alaska. So even though it's hotter than all get out, it's so much more developed. There's stuff to do and see everywhere. Around every corner is a strip mall, with a grocery store, Walmart, etc. You can literally go in any direction from the base and find something to do. We have

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.....

2007-09-06T10:46:00.001-07:00

I have left home (OHIO) and have flown back to my family. We are currently in San Antonio, Texas at my husband's parents. I am of mixed feelings about this. I know that I want to be here, I love my family. We'll see, this is just the beginning of a whole new thing.

My new passion

2007-08-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a new passion.......billiards. I love playing pool! I wasn't ever really interested in it before, it just looked too hard. Then I came home and watched my pregnant sister play and she's really good. I was like if she can do it pg, I can do it with Fibro. Well...... I didn't start off as the best player but I'm getting better. I can make about 60% of my shots now instead of

What's going on

2007-08-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

I'm confused and I'm lonely, my patience is stretched thin like parchment. My soul is dry and withered and my heart has less beats. I haven't been held in so long I think I've forgotten what it feels like. I've been in a different state from my husband for a little over two months. And still by the time I see him again it will be over 3, almost 3 and a half. He hasn't really held me, or talked to

Marinating, Healing, and Living Again

2007-07-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

Since I've been home life has been interesting. I have felt better than I have in the last 2 years. I truly think the weather here has truly been a God-send. Having family around and friends I haven't seen in awhile has definitely helped my spirits. It's been so long that I have felt healthy, appreciated and worthy of love that it has been so beneficial. We now have orders to Phoenix, AZ,

So I'm going back in time on Friday night

2007-06-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

I graduated June 9th, 1994 from Fort Hayes Metropolitan Education Center. I was semi-popular, a dancer, smart, and spoke at my graduation. So on Friday I am going to meet some of those old classmates for the evening, to catch up. I haven't seen most of these people for 10+ years. I've gained 120+lbs, gotten married, and had 2 children. Amazingly enough one of my ex's is going to be there and that

Home

2007-06-09T18:26:00.000-07:00

Being home is like being inside your memories. I've traveled to old playgrounds, peered at my old family homes, and embraced childhood friends. It's a most interesting experience. I've been home for almost three weeks now, Heather's wedding was a immense success. I feel so privileged to have shared her special day. Not to mention I didn't do to shabby on the Brother In Law area either. Leonard is

So much going on

2007-05-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to have time to write a lot. I wrote a substantial bit and lost it. Don't you hate when that happens, AGG! I am going to steal my post from another board so I won't have type as much. I will say that Alaska has been an experience and one I don't wish to repeat. I had sais some stuff about how much has happened here and that it seems like it's been longer than four years. I am

The Mommy's Late Tuesday Ten- 10 things in my Grocery Cart

2007-05-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

10 Things in My Grocery Cart1. Juice- we drink ALOT of juice. The kids old daycare provider was always calling us juice heads2. Something quick- like skillet sensations, rotisserie chicken, etc. I can't cook well anymore, so the simpler the better.3. Chocolate4. Chocolate Chip Caramel Cookies by Peperidge Farms5. Taty's snack- usually fruit roll ups, granola bars6. Marcel's snack- oatmeal

Tuesday Ten

2007-05-09T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ten things I think about while I'm driving1- Where am I driving to?2- How much time do I have to get there? I'm usually running at least 10 minutes behind.3- That I need to change the radio station or put on a CD. This is because T and I both drive the van and we don't listen to the same kinds of music. 8x of 10 I need to do within 5 minutes so I don't either go deaf or dumb.4- If I'm getting

This is one of those trying times

2007-05-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I've really been putting off writing this post. I guess it's kind of like if I lay my soul bare here, it's all over. So here it goes...We are NOT going to England... ----I know this is all I've been talking about for months and now this happens. However the military is the military and they have brought forth a decree.They have denied our clearance yet again. Stating

Can we get any more complicated

2007-04-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

As if I'm not already bothered by my well being and how my physical conditions affect my family now my mind is coming back to haunt me.In December of 2006 I spent about 6 days in a Mental Ward. It was a very mild visit, more like a mini vacation. I had had a mental collapse. I was so wrecked, I couldn't figure out who I was. It was very quiet and I really think it was the best thing I ever did

And once again....

2007-04-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

So T, my husband, has re-submitted our medical clerance paperwork. Now we play the waiting game again. I hope and pray it does not take another month to get the stuff back. There is so much stuff we have to finish doing. All of which we CAN NOT do without our hard copies (final copies of our orders). On a better note I have most of my grandmother's afghan finished. I will be sure to post a

The Things I Keep Putting Off- THBC Post #1

2007-04-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well let's see....10. Moving all my books off the window sill.9. Helping the kids clean the hamster cages.8. Drinking more water.7. Finishing Taty's dress for my sister's wedding and all the other projects I need to finish before the move. Not entirely my fault.... my work space is a disaster. Torrey moved everything to paint and has not replaced it.6. Exercising again not my fault. You

Getting a little antsy

2007-04-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Okay I'm starting to get a little antsy. My count down says something like 20-something days. However we still are very order-less. Torrey put in for a 2 month extension but we have to continue as if we leave the base on the 11th. So as of right now I am of 2 minds. In the first scenario we get our orders no extension and rush around like mad to get off this base by the 11th of May. Second

2007-04-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm really starting to have some issues with these military people. As if I never was one... anyway our medical clearances are STILL not back, which means still NO orders. It look like it's going to come down to putting in another extention. And that's IF they let us have one! I'm getting very frustrated T's stressed and now his knee is out. There is soooo much stuff to do until they

Interestingly Enough

2007-04-01T23:58:00.001-07:00

I was sitting here trying to get ready for bed, and I became preoccupied. I got lost in my thoughts about tomorrow. I'm having a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow. They are trying to find out if I'm going into premature menopause, Now I'm kind of okay with that, I'm done procreating, no more children from this oven. It's just that I'm worried about the procedure and procedure's usually don't bother

Frustration and resentment

2007-04-01T18:51:00.001-07:00

Frustration for me is like meaning to be supportive and failing due to my desire for survival. Where am I going with this Well I'm frustrated with my husband who isn't right?But he seems to want everyone else's approval before mine I thought it was if I'm not happy no body's happy. But it's not like that, I'm told that, this is the way it's supposed to be. But it is rarely that way, I always

Can you imagine?

2007-03-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

My house looks soo crazy right now. The living room furniture is all moved to one side like someone swept it there. Plastic covers are over the carpets and paint trays are scattered. Boxes have started appearing and rooms are getting cleared out. I remember this time period with the last move fondly. We didn't have half as much stuff. How did we amass twice as much junk in 4 years? Was

My Life is so Crazy

2007-03-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

We are getting down to the wire on the England move. My sister is PG and getting married and life is just so out of control. I feel like I'm on a Massive roller coaster and the world is my seat. I have a 1,000 and 1 things to do for the move. Mostly I have to organize, organize, organize! The great thing about military moves is that the military has people come pack your house for you. All

Sleep and the bed monster

2007-01-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Sleep still eludes me. It's like the grasping hand that always seems to miss it's mark. I think once I start my body makeover I will sleep better. I always seem to be up really late at night. Right now I usually go to bed around 2-4 am. I read or play on the puter to get sleepy. Nothing works! I'm on sleeping pills but I don't like to take them unless I have a seriously long day ahead of

Frustration and resistance

2007-01-23T04:34:00.000-07:00

Frustration for me is like meaning to be supportive and failing due to my overwhelming desire for survival. So just where is the crazy woman going with this? Well I'm frustrated with my husband but, who isn't right? Yet it seems he is determine to have everyone else's approval before mine. Although I thought it was "if I'm not happy, nobodies happy." But it's not like that, I'm told that, that

Finding Peace

2007-01-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm a very peaceful person by nature, however I find little things upset me more. Well they upset me more than they used to. I don't ask for much. Like any mother I want time to myself, happy co-exsistence with the world, and love. Today plans for a beautiful day fell completely out of my control. It was intended that I have the van today, however my hubby totally forgot about my plans.

So it's like this

2007-01-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

First I have like two blogs/journals going right now. But I wanted to divide them up because they are for different purposes. This is my life journal and how I think my other journal is for tracking my weight loss. See I have to lose weight, the doctors keep offering the Gastric bypass. However that is so a no go. I'm sure it works for some people but it's not for the person I rather try

So a new year

2007-01-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

So we are in the start of a new year, and everyone is talking new beginnings. So let's talk new beginnings.So what are the new beginnings for the DTB for 2007. Well I want to lose weight this year so I've figured out the plan and am almost ready to execute. I am in the beginning phases of our move to England and am truly excited to be going over seas. I am learning more about myself as a

Okay So Not Cool

2006-11-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Okay not cool I am up @ 6am not by choice. My husband went tout to take care of a friend. That was 6-7 hours ago. He has called twice, after I have called him to see what was up. Now I’m getting a little worried. I again called and now there is no answer. I’m being paranoid I know but it’s the night before Thanksgiving. You don’t stay out

I guess I'm Due

2006-10-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well I haven’t posted in a minute so I guess I’m due. I do really like blogging it’s just that typing is such a pain for me with the Fibro. However I’m doing really well with IT. You know I’ve figured out that my mental attitude towards being disabled has changed A LOT. I still feel quite crappy 80% of the time, but I continuously tell myself that I’m still here and it’s NOT that bad. Yes it

Okay So I'm Home, ......Ohio that is

2006-06-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm home and it's weird. I've been over doing it and I know I shouldn't. But it's so hard when you have so much to do and see. So the overdoing has caused 3 major crashes. The most recent one this weekend, lost all of Sunday and Monday. I hate it when that happens! So in the mist of a "pain drug" induced sleep, I wake up with the some really random thoughts. So I call my baby brother upstairs

What am I doing here?

2006-05-27T02:03:00.000-07:00

What am I doing here?Pain is like daggers of ice, hope is nothing. To be dead would be a release, but also that most awful utter act of selfishness. I am if nothing else not a selfish person. I hurt, and it’s me alone trying desperately not to be. Where am I? Why am I? I so DO NOT want to be here. Here SUCKS but I have no elsewhere to go. There is nothing else for me I have left myself no options

A book cant tell you to be quiet

2006-05-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

A book can’t tell you to be quietI’m a very verbal person. I say what I feel and do it, if at all possible. I hate to be shot down and I hate to be discouraged. I was trying to be in my husband’s world. I thought I had at least opened the door, but once again he shut me out. While watching basketball playoffs (mind you-the playoffs are serious business), I got a little excited. I believe, if I’m

Pain I hate it

2006-04-05T02:51:00.000-07:00

Pain I hate it.Pain is so not cool. I have been sweating with it at about a 10 all over since about 930 pm AST. I’m sure my [pain threshold is gone and along with it my sanity. I feel as if someone dumped icy hot on me, made me sweaty, sticky and stuck sledgehammers on my joints at persistent rhythm. My poor husband has had to listen to me literally moan for an hour in which it had become

I'm sure I'm not sane...

2006-04-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

You know we all have the point in our lives when we know our string is about to break and we are at wits end. Well… my string broke. No fraying, no tearing. No the fibers have definitely been severed from their original components. Now I’m just trying to figure out what the requirements are for having someone locked up. I feel so strange, food doesn’t taste right, and life seems kind of well

Dont Settle

2006-03-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Don’t settle, never settle. My whole life I’ve always settled. I was under the misguided belief that I had to make everyone else happy. I never considered my happiness, my future. Now I have none. I was once a beautiful women, I had the world before me. I could have been anything and I blew it. Why? I actually thought love was enough; I thought that one man was the only man. I never saw any other

Heroes

2006-03-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

This post is in reply to my kid-sister’s blog post found at the below link. My Sister's Blog for March 13th, 2006A very appropriate answer my dear sister. If I had attempted to answer this I would have defiantly had a different answer, but only because of life circumstance at this moment. With my friend dying in Iraq, he is one of my Heroes. With my husband being awarded a purple heart for

Today- 12 March 06

2006-03-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

TodayToday is my husband’s 31st birthday. He is not a birthday person so…no party, no card, no cake. But I wanted to acknowledge somewhere, somehow that he was born today. It’s important to me, even if it isn’t to him. If he had not been born my life would have been so different. I am so glad that he was born today, that I couldn’t even fathom my life without him. My husband Torrey

Im just trying to figure out what happened...

2006-03-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

I’m just trying to figure out what happened.I was in pain, but I’m always in pain. Today though it was different. I went to get groceries it was supposed to be straightforward. I got up, took a shower, put clothes on, made a list, and drove to the store. Now the commissary had been closed for 2 days, store reset. They turned my frequented shopping place into a fibromites hell. I had to search for

Alone Defined

2006-03-05T01:35:00.000-07:00

Alone- Defined- Webster’sBeing apart from others; solitary. Being without anyone or anything else; only. Considered separately from all others of the same class. Being without equal; unique.Being apart from others…. I believe this is where I am right now. Always apart from other’s, I have no physical friends. I don’t even have a husband most of the time. My husband does his own thing

What is going on in the life of DTB

2006-03-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

What is going on in the life of the DTB. Well I’m just trying to survive right now. It’s a daunting process, I would be a lot happier if I could just get well. Now I’m not saying staying home with my daughter is bad, but it sure is boring. More to come….

So I got some more words

2005-11-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

So I got some more wordsCharismatic- Josie Unique- Chris Beautiful- Peter

So this Is who I am

2005-11-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

I got this really neat e-mail from a GREAT friendThe email said to describe that person in ONE WORDThen it said to forward to your friend and get a word about you from themWell so far I’ve gotten 2 words, so every time I get a new word I’m going to post it to my BlogFrom Jenny- WholeheartedFrom Bonnie- Gracious

A little wondering

2005-10-31T00:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve been wondering and I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about all the changes I’d like to make in my life. I’ve been wondering about life and if all the changes are necessary. Yet as I’m wondering, as I’m thinking, I realize that change is the foundation of life. Change is inevitable, change is everything, and change is life. To grow we must change with the growth of that part or way of

I just needed a minute

2005-10-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

I just needed a minute. I just wanted some time. I’m looking out the window and I find I’m undefined. I’m watching time unravel and space defeat itself. Everything is plausible when you’re talking to yourself.I’ve escaped death and walked in on life, to die. I’ve missed my train and boarded a plane that’s destined to collide. Colliding with my nerves and hiding in despair. I’ve never been a

Where do you go Part 3

2005-10-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Where do you go- Part 3How can he be so stupid?How can he not see?Not see now much I need himSureness in the matter of AloneI must accept thatNo, there is but meNo support No loveI am AloneAlone with my painAlone with my anguishAlone with my fearAlone, unloved, uncaredAbandonedTotally bereftThe only person I knowKnows notNot how much it hurtsHow I acheHow totally and utterlyAloneI Am

Where do you go when your lost? Part 2

2005-10-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

Pain is like a tissueYou cry into it and it only tears more deeplyYou are soaked with it, and it falls apartTo mulitple to more painHow can the one you love so completelylove you so littleHow can a person not realize that they are not the worldHow can you leave someone in total anguishKnowing not, that the smile is just a maskAm I so great an actressShould I not be granted an OscarYet to be

Where do you go when your lost....

2005-10-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from a journal/poem I wrote on the 2 of October @ 1237 am PART 1 When you hurt this bad What do you do?When you bleed tears and cry blood When your throat is dry from anguish and your heart stops upon pain When your so lonely, crying makes the ache worse, but not to cry makes the silence deeperWhen those you love can not see, past selfishness and desire You realize that you

2005-10-24T03:13:00.000-07:00

JUST ME

2005-10-22T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like your caught in between done and desperation. I was in the car on the way home from the book store, when I realized how worthless I'm feeling these days. I want to go out and do things, be places but I'm scared. Scared, yeah I'm scared because everytime I try to attepmt to live normally I end up overdoing it. Afterwards I'm exhausted, miserable, depressed and in pain. I want

Fonts

2005-10-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

There is one thing I have decided that i Don't feel good about and that is the fonts on the site. For me fonts speak for you when you write in journals and such. There just isn't enough variety in the fonts. I'll figure it out, so I sound like me.

Bears first day out

2005-10-21T02:56:00.000-07:00

I'm really new to this whole blogging thing. However I have an inordinate amount of time on my hands right now. It also looks like I'm going to be like this for a moment. Taking a peek into my world you will see a overweight, ill, married, mother of two. I have recently developed a list of health problems that is dangerously ridiculous. We will say that my pain is like telling a 2 year old, NO!.