Well......

My life fell apart about 3 months ago and I stopped writing in here because it seemed to be the cause when it happened. However it really wasn't. He was just using it as an excuse for his disreputable behavior.

Basically the whole time I've had this blog my husband has been cheating on me. All the times I wrote on here how lonely I was and how I felt so alone in this, I really was. He's had at least 3 steady gf's since I've been sick. And who knows how many one night stands and what have you.

How do I feel... well for a minute I really felt used. Then I was pissed, then I was horrified, then I was sad. Now I'm just here. Everything in my life was a lie except for my children. Actually my children were the only thing that I think kept me alive. I actually lost my mind and he didn't care. Amazingly I thought I was hallucinating that he didn't care. HA! I should have listened to my gut and he had me thinking I was just paranoid.

Now I guess you could say I've reformed my way of thinking... I am no longer concerned with everyone elses well being. I come first! Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way.

Amazingly enough after I threatened to leave and take the kids. Which was after he told me " I'm not in love with you anymore, I still love you though..." That I was like well there's no reason for me to be here. So I started planning and I started taking charge of my life. He had no say about anything anymore and it was then that he realized that I wasn't so bad a wife after all.

So now we are in counseling and it's interesting. Some days I love him and some days I wonder why the HELL I'm still staying with this man. I've been reading several books on affair recovery and they've been instrumental in me not ending up in a mental health ward again. However I'm still not sure if what I'm doing is right.

I want to be with him I just don't know if now that I'm starting to find myself again. That maybe I've out grown him. If realizing that I really don't have to live like this has made me realize that I deserve more than what he is offering.

I have given this man 16 years of my life and he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he was so unhappy and scared of my health issues that he had to find someone who was "just normal". I know that I will never be "just normal" again and I wonder if he can handle that. I need someone who will love me despite my health issues. I deserve that.

So now I go up and down and the books say it will take me as long to process and "get over" this as it took for him to get into all his affairs. How do I survive another 3.5 years of this? Wasn't the first time enough?

Before I add this last post...

I have to add my journal entry for the last few months. So things are going to seem a little random but bear with me.

The Healing Process

It's getting better. I know this healing process is not going to be easy or quick. I know that I am on a hard and arduous journey. Even with the task so long and difficult before me I am starting to feel a little normal. I have moments of disorientation. These moments are less and less though.

It's only been 25 days and it feels like each day has been a week. each day I have struggled to live through the flashbacks, the overwhelming sense of terror. The shame of what has happened. I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that my husband had sex with other women. he is no longer all mine.

I was sharing him and I didn't even know I was. Should I attempt to find a lover so I don't feel as if I "missed" out on my own sexual exploration. Also, WHY am I okay with the fact that he has shared himself with other women?

Well maybe, it's not so much that it is okay, it's just that I kind of envy him. I've always wondered what it would be like to be with other men. I just didn't want to betray Torrey. Now it isn't about betraying Torrey. Should I cheat? Just to see what it's like.

What have I been missing? It's not that I'm dis-satisfied with Torrey, sexually. I guess I'm just curious. Is there something wrong with me being curious? Now that Torrey's paying attention to me, I'm no lonely anymore. However I kind of wonder if I could even attract another man. I don't even know if I would be able to.

Agg! All of this makes me wonder if I'm even any good in bed? What do I lack that makes T want to go somewhere else? I hope that Torrey can me feel sexy, sexual and beautiful again. I don't think I remember how to make myself feel it.