I HATE MONEY

I am not a bad financial manager but Gee Mo Peep, I can not get blood out of a rock. I just spent the most harrowing moments of my life on the phone with a creditor/lawyers office. He was not nice. I'm just going to say that I HATE creditors, I HATE them. They are mean and annoying, and heartless. What made it worse was that he was trying to make me sound like I was dumb and overreacting to his "threats that weren't threats". He kept telling me that I was just perceiving his "threats" as threats. The fact that he kept telling me that if I didn't pay them when they said that my dh was going to lose rank, that the fees to go to court would be worse, that the world was basically going to come to an end, were just perceived threats. I tried to be calm but when you are disabled and your choices are be minimally functional or work. With minimally functional being, getting dressed everyday, taking care of my kids, and if I can making dinner.

What am I supposed to do, never leave the house (gas being outrageous), never feed my family, not pay other bills to make the one company happy. This is not the worse situation we have ever been in but I'm losing my hair and going gray for a pretty good reason.

Where I'm going

So I've been on this mother's board since my youngest was born in 2000. It started as a Expecting Mother's board on iVillage in I'm thinking February 2000. Well we've all moved, some of us have had more children, things have changed good or bad. I'm guessing there is about 35-40 of us and that's a high number. Well to the point I'm rambling, we are all (well most of us) going to FINALLY meet each other in Chicago. The Windy City this summer, I can't wait.
Now I have to say that some of us have already met, but we've rarely met in groups larger than 4 maybe 5. I have met about 5 people off the board myself, and I'm really looking forward to meeting some of those I seem to keep missing. Right now we are forming committee's and nailing down dates. At this point all I care about is how soon can it get here. There's just something about a bunch of women getting together to have a great time that just makes life seem a little sweeter.

So I haven posted in awhile

I think I haven't posted in awhile because well I've been too dang sick. Even now I'm tempting fate by doing all this typing. February was a rough health month for me. It was like my body was like why are you out of bed. All total I had 2 really bad flares, one of which is still around, a sinus infection and viral bronchitis.

As my sister said "Where do you think this is coming from?" Honestly 2 things, I'm getting old and stress. Pure and simple stress. I'm still relatively lonely but I won't go there, it's just so over for me. I figured I have no control over that and dwelling on it isn't going to magically make my dh pay attention to me. I do have a few friends who are making the loneliness bareable. Two neighbors and a friend who concidentally migrated here with me from the AK. With the three of them around it's hard to be morose.

As for the old thing, well I turned 32, at the beginning of February and although it was a great birthday it was also eye opening.

I'm old and it's not really the actual age thing. It's that my perceptions have changed and my health, yeah my health. My health, well it continues to get worse whether I live in a cold place or a warm place. Mind you my good days in Arizona siginificantly outweigh my bads days compared to Alaska. However I seem to find myslef still feeling horrid-horrid on the bad days. I still would rather just lie in bed all day, or all week for that matter. It's like Alaska but not, I feel bad but when I do I do get up, like I did in AK but not to just go the bathroom. I go to my spot in the garage get on my computer and open the garage door. The air blows in and it's warm and comforting even if I still feel crappy. But I still feel CRAPPY and I don't know how to not feel crappy. the pain is ALWAYS there, even if it's "only" a 2 instead of a 10.

Perceptions- The Club
I went to the club the day after my birthday and everyone looked like babies. I wanted to have a good time and I did eventually but at first I felt like I was at a middle school dance and I was a chaperone. It was decidedly weird, but I knew it was just that I wasn't a young women anymore. Of course they all looked like babies, they are. I'm 32 and my body think it's 50.

Where does it all end, the feelings of oldness, the constant pain, the sense that my life is not where I want it to be. I'm starting to believe it doesn't and I just need to get over it.