Okay So I'm Home, ......Ohio that is

So I'm home and it's weird. I've been over doing it and I know I shouldn't. But it's so hard when you have so much to do and see. So the overdoing has caused 3 major crashes. The most recent one this weekend, lost all of Sunday and Monday. I hate it when that happens! So in the mist of a "pain drug" induced sleep, I wake up with the some really random thoughts. So I call my baby brother upstairs and ask him to write it cuz well.... I couldn't. And this is what spilled out...

Mother's are like trapeeze artists'. They perform a balancing act, swinging on that little bar. Balancing family, finances, relationships and careers. And yet they manage to smile, wowing the crowd night after night. Twirling and tumbling as they seek to do they impossible. They fall and are caught by a net, always careful these mothers. Always to stand again, shaken they return to the heights to begin again their duties as if nothing ever happens. The show MUST go on.
So if parasols are moods during theses acts, yellow for happiness, blue for sorrow, red for passion, black for anger, white for peace. I would wish that my parasol was yellow, but it's blue. And I begin again....

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Pain is like daggers of ice, hope is nothing. To be dead would be a release, but also that most awful utter act of selfishness. I am if nothing else not a selfish person. I hurt, and it’s me alone trying desperately not to be. Where am I? Why am I? I so DO NOT want to be here. Here SUCKS but I have no elsewhere to go. There is nothing else for me I have left myself no options. I have spent my last dime and was tricked into thinking that I had Jack’s magic beans. My fairytale that never was.

I was 19 when I got married; I’m 30 now, 11 years. Then I knew, I still know what I wanted. I wanted a home and a family, a career, and happiness. Now all my walls come crashing down and the world has ceased to be wonderful. I wake and walk in pain, I see, eat, and breathe it. I want to drown in it and have it be over. Nothing seems to be real anymore I have walked away from reality. I saw and adopted a quoted blinkie. This blinkie states “I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.” Or rather I broke it, not sure when, but I did. I messed up somewhere I believe, not sure where. I had this amazing thought that if I loved and gave and was. Well it has something to do with reciprocation, or at least that was my theory. Where did I go wrong? Was I wrong? I am so confused!

A book cant tell you to be quiet

A book can’t tell you to be quiet

I’m a very verbal person. I say what I feel and do it, if at all possible. I hate to be shot down and I hate to be discouraged. I was trying to be in my husband’s world. I thought I had at least opened the door, but once again he shut me out. While watching basketball playoffs (mind you-the playoffs are serious business), I got a little excited. I believe, if I’m going to be watching TV (which is a rarity) it must command my attention to the point of interaction. Most times while I watch I will scream out my comments so that I can be there. It was so tonight, and I was firmly told to stop. The first time I did it, I tried to hold my piece. However the second time I had to laugh and he didn’t like it. So I gave up, I grabbed the dirty dinner plates, threw them away and retreated to the sanctuary of my bedroom. My bedroom is a constant where I abide in blissful ignorance of the TV, news, and outside goings on. So now I’m frustrated because I put in an obvious effort to gain some time with him and was dismissed. I even put in a hint to possible intimacy latter on, with some casual flirting earlier in the evening. Now I find myself totally turned off. He will no doubt never realize the hurt he administered and will eagerly come to bed with intimacy on his mind. Maybe I will take some pain meds just to be asleep before he retires for bed. I just don’t feel like explaining to him that he turned me off, when he shut me out.