Well......

My life fell apart about 3 months ago and I stopped writing in here because it seemed to be the cause when it happened. However it really wasn't. He was just using it as an excuse for his disreputable behavior.

Basically the whole time I've had this blog my husband has been cheating on me. All the times I wrote on here how lonely I was and how I felt so alone in this, I really was. He's had at least 3 steady gf's since I've been sick. And who knows how many one night stands and what have you.

How do I feel... well for a minute I really felt used. Then I was pissed, then I was horrified, then I was sad. Now I'm just here. Everything in my life was a lie except for my children. Actually my children were the only thing that I think kept me alive. I actually lost my mind and he didn't care. Amazingly I thought I was hallucinating that he didn't care. HA! I should have listened to my gut and he had me thinking I was just paranoid.

Now I guess you could say I've reformed my way of thinking... I am no longer concerned with everyone elses well being. I come first! Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way.

Amazingly enough after I threatened to leave and take the kids. Which was after he told me " I'm not in love with you anymore, I still love you though..." That I was like well there's no reason for me to be here. So I started planning and I started taking charge of my life. He had no say about anything anymore and it was then that he realized that I wasn't so bad a wife after all.

So now we are in counseling and it's interesting. Some days I love him and some days I wonder why the HELL I'm still staying with this man. I've been reading several books on affair recovery and they've been instrumental in me not ending up in a mental health ward again. However I'm still not sure if what I'm doing is right.

I want to be with him I just don't know if now that I'm starting to find myself again. That maybe I've out grown him. If realizing that I really don't have to live like this has made me realize that I deserve more than what he is offering.

I have given this man 16 years of my life and he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he was so unhappy and scared of my health issues that he had to find someone who was "just normal". I know that I will never be "just normal" again and I wonder if he can handle that. I need someone who will love me despite my health issues. I deserve that.

So now I go up and down and the books say it will take me as long to process and "get over" this as it took for him to get into all his affairs. How do I survive another 3.5 years of this? Wasn't the first time enough?

Before I add this last post...

I have to add my journal entry for the last few months. So things are going to seem a little random but bear with me.

The Healing Process

It's getting better. I know this healing process is not going to be easy or quick. I know that I am on a hard and arduous journey. Even with the task so long and difficult before me I am starting to feel a little normal. I have moments of disorientation. These moments are less and less though.

It's only been 25 days and it feels like each day has been a week. each day I have struggled to live through the flashbacks, the overwhelming sense of terror. The shame of what has happened. I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that my husband had sex with other women. he is no longer all mine.

I was sharing him and I didn't even know I was. Should I attempt to find a lover so I don't feel as if I "missed" out on my own sexual exploration. Also, WHY am I okay with the fact that he has shared himself with other women?

Well maybe, it's not so much that it is okay, it's just that I kind of envy him. I've always wondered what it would be like to be with other men. I just didn't want to betray Torrey. Now it isn't about betraying Torrey. Should I cheat? Just to see what it's like.

What have I been missing? It's not that I'm dis-satisfied with Torrey, sexually. I guess I'm just curious. Is there something wrong with me being curious? Now that Torrey's paying attention to me, I'm no lonely anymore. However I kind of wonder if I could even attract another man. I don't even know if I would be able to.

Agg! All of this makes me wonder if I'm even any good in bed? What do I lack that makes T want to go somewhere else? I hope that Torrey can me feel sexy, sexual and beautiful again. I don't think I remember how to make myself feel it.

Do-Over

Today we had our first marriage counseling session. It went extremely well. it hurt to hear Torrey talk so casually about his affairs. However our Psychologist Dr. Treegoob was courteous and supportive. He said it is VERY rare for a woman to forgive her spouse enough to commit to renewing the marriage.

He explained to Torrey that he had a marital "re-do, meaning that we can start over and make out marriage stronger. Hearing him praise us for wanting to stay together and make this work. Well it made me want to work all the harder to restore and strengthen our marriage.

Now that we for thought the first we just need to push forward.

The ex-gf called again today. She said that she is waiting patiently for Torrey to prove or disprove his paternity for her child. She says she's called in a favor to a Doctor that she used to work for in Cali. She is either going to have an abortion on Sunday of she's going to have it on the 6th. Hopefully this means her contact with us is over and she's out of our lives for good.

Shocked Stupid

I talked to T's ex-gf today, she says she is pregnant. She believes the child is T's I am totally stupefied.

What was strange about the conversation was that God wouldn't let me cuss her out. He used me to show her that we were both deceived. I began by telling her that T really is a good man, he has just made some poor choices. It was surreal.

I couldn't believe that I was being nice to the lover of my husband. She took my place in his life for over 3 months and I was abandoned and neglected. I can only say that I really feel that T screwed up her life , well all of our lives, royally. Now we ALL have to pick up the pieces.

Ruminations may cause sleeplessness

I've been taking sleeping pills almost every night just so I can sleep. Not to mention my pain level is probably the highest it's been since we moved to AZ. I can't begin to explain every emotion, I can't explain why I can't sleep. I have friends I can talk to, I have family. Yet all I can think about is how embarrassed I am. How stupid and foolish this man has made me look.

I don't want to tell anyone what a fool I've been. I don't want anyone to know that I saw the signs, heard the whispered conversations, intercepted text messages. There were too many lies, too many explanations, and I was always right. Yet he made me feel like I was a suspicious shrew. I had every right to be though, didn't I? Why did I not heed my own gut feelings? I guess I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to believe that my husband was all mine. Guess I was right? Yet how could I be so right and so wrong at the same time?

Rightfully concerned

I'm concerned. I'm afraid that my husband is luring me into a false sense of trust. I really do believe that he is sorry for being such an a**hole. I think thought that it would be easier to believe in his sincerity if he wasn't trying so hard.

I've believed his lies for so long that I'm extremely wary of further deceit. It all comes rushing back to this trust issue. As much as he thinks I didn't trust him. ( I know now it was because he didn't deserve it) I truly did and he made me look like a fool. He made us all look like fools. I don't know who I should feel sorrier for, myself or all his exes. Exes, that still blows me away. My husband had girlfriends for a good part of our marriage. what was I waiting around for?

As I read all the self-help books they stress the importance of coming clean. Of how talking about the gruesome details, getting past the affairs detail will help you heal. What I don't understand is how talking about my husbands ability to frequently AND with out remorse be dishonest AND disrespectful to our marriage, me. How could that possibly help me/us heal. It's like saying that pouring salt into a wound will make it feel better. Although now that I think about it. it's probably more like pouring alcohol on a wound. it's going to hurt like HELL but it will also clean and prevent infection. At least I hope that's what it means.

Stuck with my thoughts

Haven't done much thinking today, which is a good thing. I'll have to say something for T, he really is trying to keep me happy. He made dinner tonight and didn't once complain about having to do so. He's also seeing me for the first time in a long time. I have to wonder if it's the Love Dare Book or is he really seeing me.

The more I wonder about our future together, the more certain I am that we may actually get through this horribleness. I have moments of misery followed by moments of euphoria. where do I draw the mine on my ability to judge the situation? How do I justify my willingness to trust a man who doesn't deserve what I offer? I am so confused!

I want to trust him. he's my husband but I can't or won't because I'm terrified. Who wouldn't be? I shouldn't, should I? Gee Mo Peep my life has never been straight forward has it.

Interesting Outing

Torrey and I went out this evening. Our first evening out in about 8 months. We were easier, with each other than we have been in years. however the pall of our marital problems hung over the entire evening. the movie we went to see- Not Easily Broken was excellent. It was just what we needed to hear.

Dinner before was delicious and relaxed. I missed just being able to talk and enjoy his company. After the movie we went to The Buzz, a nightclub. It started off very slow, but by the time we left it was quite lively. I however felt very old, everyone looked to be about 20. It was very disconcerting. All in all though a wonderful night.

My feelings for this evening were mixed. I'm still having a hard time with comparisons. I am now trying to figure out if the songs I thought were for me, were for me. I mean were they really for me? Or were they meant for one of his girlfriends. I'm afraid to ask. I love some of those songs and I don't want to taint my perceptions of them. I also don't want to stir up old memories for him. Memories of those past gf's that night jeopardize our reconciliation. What am I to do?

Truly Amazing

Today something truly amazing happened. For the first time in about eight, maybe nine years I saw Candace. It was beyond strange. I was walking with Tatyanna and saw this beautiful plus sized woman.

I thought to myself, what a beautiful full figured woman. Then I bemusedly realized that it was me, but not because I recognized myself. But because I recognized my daughter. It was such a pleasant surprise to realize that I had finally regained some of my self respect. Especially if I thought I was beautiful.

Upside down

So my life is so upside down. Everything I have believed in for the last 10 years has been nothing but lies. I don't even know what was truth and what wasn't. Did T ever tell me the truth? Was anything he ever said to me real? Has he ever respected me to tell me an ounce of truth? I feel like such a fool. I've based my whole being on a man who has been lying to me for over 10 years.

Are the things he has told me about his past even truth? What do I believe? What should I believe? Can I ever believe anything he ever says again? Is trying even worth it if he is just going to continue to lie to me?

My heart aches and my feelings are raw. I'm scared, tired, anxious, worried, and confused. What should I be feeling? What am I feeling? I s there something wrong with me. that I'm NOT tearing him limb from limb? He has gone way beyond betraying my trust. He has neglected me, belittle me, disrespected me. I have given him everything and he has given me this hell! How can I forgive what he has done? He has made my life seem so meaningless and foolish. How could I have been so blind? How could I have let my husband treat me so poorly? So many questions and not an answer in sight. How do I even go about finding the answers? Do I even want them? How did I get here? How do I get out?

What I witnessed today......

Today I got up @ 5am. Got in my van and drove to the polls. I talked politics with my 2 Arizona bf's. One a Republican and one a Democrat. I watched the election from my computer, my living room and my bedroom. And as my 7 y/o daughter and my 12 y/o son fought to stay awake..... I watched the First Black President elected to the United States of America.

To say that I was tearful or overwhelmed would be a gross understatement. As the news was announced and my 7 y/o slumbered next to me. I gently touched her shoulder and told her to look at the TV. As she did, her lil brown eyes opened wide and then a very sleepy and soft "Yes" was all she said.

And that is all I have to say. A very sleepy and quiet "Yes". A Yes that change and history and so many things that I could have only dreamed could happen are now happening. The world is changing and FINALLY our country has made it's first step towards change as well.

As the world tilts.....

My father is ill and it seems to be altering my world perceptions.  I seem to be,lost in this gray fog made of all the points in my life my father has affected.  Needless to say I'm quite surrounded.  You never realize how someone affects your very way of thinking until you may lose them.  I've noticed that smells and sounds are triggering mostly memories of my father.  I'm stuck in this constant round of worry about how long he's going to be around. It's like living in a pit where I can see the way out but I'd rather just stay in the pit.

the world at it's craziest

So the world has gone totally wacky between the financial crisis the presidential election and my life it's been a whorl wind. I ran up to Ohio for a month cuz the family has been in crisis and unfortunately due to the touchy nature of the crisis I can't delve here. Lets just say that it is a mess. I feel as if it was a less than productive journey.

I came back to my own life and it's mess. The dh is still distant and it seems to be all I can do to keep my sanity from his view or non-view of the situation. I am trying to reconcile myself to being home and back in this mess.

On a happier note my children were ecstatic to see me and it made the tension between me and my husband less volatile. They both made honor roll, a mother could not be more content there.

As I settle into life here and some other more daunting tasks I'll keep ya updated.

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In Remembrance

Memorial Day Comments
Today is a very sad and special day for me. I usually don't think about this day through out the year. And for the last couple years it has vaguely crossed my mind. However at 2 am today I woke up and realized that today was the day I almost lost my husband. The day of the Khobar Towers bombing, June 25, 1996- 12 years ago, today. Why today of all days that I should remember was beyond me. However if it was enough to wake me out of a sound sleep 9which I get rarely these days) I realized then that I needed to make mention of it.

12 years ago today-

It was 10:30 p.m. (2130 GMT, 1730 EDT) in late June, time for many in the military housing facility at Saudi Arabia's King Abdul Aziz Air Base to turn in for the night, when a suspicious fuel tanker pulled up near the perimeter.

Some immediately sensed danger, but there was little time to respond. A thunderous explosion followed seconds later, as some 5,000 pounds of explosives packed into the truck went off, drilling a crater 35 feet deep and ripping the front off an apartment building.

That act of terrorism cost 19 American lives and injured scores of others, including Saudis and Bangladeshis.

It was the deadliest bombing involving U.S. citizens in the Middle East since the 1983 Beirut attack that killed 241 Americans, and the second time in less than a year in Saudi Arabia that Americans had been targeted.

~excerpt take from CNN Terror In Daharan web page
http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/1996/saudi.special/index.html

I had just flew back in to Eglin from a visit to my family in Ohio. I knew Torrey was due back in a couple days and had coincided my trip plans to give me a couple days to get the house in order. I went to my job as a Histologist in the lab of the Eglin AFB Hospital. I was still a USAF Airman and was almost 7 months pregnant w/ our son Marcel. The day was hot and long. My friend Janella had just given birth to a baby boy a couple days prior. So when I got off I went upstairs to see Tyren K. Johnson for the first time. I spent about 20-25 mins w/ them still be quite tired from my flight back in. I made a quick stop at the BX on my way out, then headed home. Never knowing that the world was falling apart for my husband and that too many of his closet friends were dead.

I arrived home to a dark house and saw that the answering machine was flashing. I put my bags and purse by the door and tackled the messages. The message that rocked my world was from command post on Eglin AFB for Mrs. Torrey Hardy. I immediately called them back and they begin to explain the situation to me. As they spoke, they danced around the issue of what exactly happened. Finally tired of listening to "military dependent crap" I said-"Please, you are talking to A1C Candace Y. Hardy, 96 Medical Support Sq, Eglin AFB, Fl- tell me what is really going on!" the Sgt's answer "Airman Hardy we don't know if Senior Airman Hardy is even alive". The blast was a week to the day of our 1yr anniversary, we hadn't even been married a year. Just as I was beginning to go into a full blown panic attack , my phone beeped. There was a call waiting. I asked the Sgt to hold and clicked over. The next thing I heard was the most blessed sound I have ever heard in my life. The sound of my husband's voice.

The next few moments were flashes really. Torrey told me he was okay and that there was a line to call loved ones but he loved me and he was safe. I clicked back over and told command post that the call was from Senior Airman Hardy and that he was alive and safe. The next moment I heard him call a report to his fellow Airman stating that- Airman first Class C. Hardy confirms that Senior Airman T. Hardy is alive and safe. Those were probably not his exact words, but you get the gist. He thanked me for my time and I hung up the phone, slowly sliding to the carpet as I did so. I put my hands in face and cried.

The next few hours, were a chaos. Calls from family, friends, my commander, the lab, everyone. The wanted to see if Torrey survived the blast because the names of the deceased had not been released. I spent the whole evening on the floor of our tiny apartment retelling the story. You know, I don't even think I ate that night. Climbing into bed and setting the clock I fell wearily into to dreamless sleep. I A1C Hardy, still had to report for duty the next day.

The next week was very strange spent in a haze waiting for news from Torrey and the base. Commiserating w/ other hospital wives whose husband's thankfully had also survived the blast. There were 2 of us in the lab itself. The whole base worked in a haze of confusion, sadness, and awe. And those of us who were also military were just struck dumb that our husbands had been spared. On Friday I stood on the tarmac at Eglin AFB with my friend Janella's husband Derrick waiting for Torrey to disembark. I was cold even though it was late June and scared even though I knew he was fine. He walked slowly to me after he got off the plane. We looked at each other for a long tense moment then he folded me in his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. I could feel his pain, everyone's. It was like the air had been compressed around us and leadened w/ the pain of the whole 58th fighter squadron.

My husband's story was even more remarkable than mine. Maybe one day he will tell it to the world and not just a privileged few. I will say that he missed death by maybe 10 minutes, literally. those of you who have been blessed w/ the story know I speak truly. God was definitely listening to many prayers from my family and his, for Torrey's safety. Blessings know no bounds.

My husband received a purple heart for wounds received in the blast. But I believe his greatest Air Force achievement to date was his ability to continue working admits his anguish. To be tapped for a TDY not a month and half later. In which he went, did his job and came home, sane. To live every day since with the knowledge that hew was spared and his friends were not. That is my husband's legacy from this event. It changed him more than ANY event in our lives since. He went from the loving caring husband I knew to a man that I have almost nothing in common with anymore.

I know all the changes in him stem from this tragic event. Our lives were turned upside down before the birth of our first child. Our 1st anniversary was a joke. I tried to cheer him up, it was useless. We sat on the beach, while I watched him relive those moments in his mind. We lost 19 airman that horrible day and my marriage became all about survival. I know change is unavoidable in a marriage but change blasted into ours before it even had a chance to change on it's own. The man I married was NOT the man that came home from Khobar Towers. And yet I stay knowing that the man I knew and loved never really came back from Daharan.

For more information concerning the Khobars towers bombing in Daharan, Saudi Arabia on June 25, 1996, go to these links.

link to CNN Terror In Daharan web page-
http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/1996/saudi.special/index.html

link the Khobar Towers Memorials- curtesy of http://joshuawoody.com/ http://joshuawoody.com/download/9.PDF

link to the Khobar Towers Memorial Page- http://www.angelfire.com/fl5/united0/Khobar.html

link to the Air Force News 10th anniversary video- http://video.aol.com/video-detail/khobar-towers-rememberance/1476306495

The children left for texas on the 2 of June

what am I going to do fo a month w/o my poogles. I deem to be productive lets see how far I get, lol.

Due to Face-crack and Packrat

When I posted about the Packrat game I DID NOT KNOW that is would take over my life. I have always, constantly and unrelentingly berated my husband, son and brother for playing the Xbox all the time. And now I find myself in my garage, that is NOT air conditioned, w/ 2 FANS on me in 115 degree weather, trading, bargaining, and waiting for cards to come up in the Packrat markets. I have 83+ friends on Facebook that are strictly Packrat buddies. We trade, jibe and watch out for each other's Packs. Helping each other attain FEATS, points, and credits so that we can buy more cards and get more FEATS, points and credits. The cycle is never ending and the cards get more fun, or funny and fun to combine, trade, and vault. I am actually not as addicted as some people who have admitted to losing relationships because of this oh so scintillating game. Therefore I am determined to get back on my blog and write about the things that have inadvertently slipped my mind while it has been engaged in "mortal combat".

I have the most enjoyable game for me on the internet

I happily wandered into Facebook and discovered this marvelous game called Packrat. It has me totally captivated. I am a FIRM believer in reading, playing outside, socializing and being active. However I've finally found the lure of video games. Although Packrat is more of a trading game with some fun twists it is still a game. It is also extremely addicting, I have to set time limits for myself. Which is good because YOU can have to much of a good thing, lol If you have Facebook, you should try it- here's the link and tell the rats to leave me a present, lol

http://www.facebook.com/apps/#/apps/application.php?id=2431403991&b=&ref=pd_r

Went to see the New Chronicles of Narnia Yesterday

It was fantabulous! I first read the books when I was eight. They were a birthday present from godfather, nowadays to be reading Chronicles at eight is not unusual but then it was very rare. I think it took me until the summer to finish them. which is pretty fast for an eight year old, lol Now it takes me roughly a day or 2 maybe three depending on my schedule and life's challenges to finish a book.

I went off on a tangent didn't I...sorry. the movie was everything that I wanted it to be and I will be seeing it as many times this summer as I can afford to. I want to memorize every seen like I did with the first. The biblical truths were so evident, yet they weren't blatant and I can almost guarantee that non-Christians won't even realize that they have been ministered too. Which I believe in some estimation is what C.S. Lewis intended when he wrote the books. He was expressing his love of God to others and the fact that many found God through his books was a very happy side effect.