What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Pain is like daggers of ice, hope is nothing. To be dead would be a release, but also that most awful utter act of selfishness. I am if nothing else not a selfish person. I hurt, and it’s me alone trying desperately not to be. Where am I? Why am I? I so DO NOT want to be here. Here SUCKS but I have no elsewhere to go. There is nothing else for me I have left myself no options. I have spent my last dime and was tricked into thinking that I had Jack’s magic beans. My fairytale that never was.

I was 19 when I got married; I’m 30 now, 11 years. Then I knew, I still know what I wanted. I wanted a home and a family, a career, and happiness. Now all my walls come crashing down and the world has ceased to be wonderful. I wake and walk in pain, I see, eat, and breathe it. I want to drown in it and have it be over. Nothing seems to be real anymore I have walked away from reality. I saw and adopted a quoted blinkie. This blinkie states “I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.” Or rather I broke it, not sure when, but I did. I messed up somewhere I believe, not sure where. I had this amazing thought that if I loved and gave and was. Well it has something to do with reciprocation, or at least that was my theory. Where did I go wrong? Was I wrong? I am so confused!

A book cant tell you to be quiet

A book can’t tell you to be quiet

I’m a very verbal person. I say what I feel and do it, if at all possible. I hate to be shot down and I hate to be discouraged. I was trying to be in my husband’s world. I thought I had at least opened the door, but once again he shut me out. While watching basketball playoffs (mind you-the playoffs are serious business), I got a little excited. I believe, if I’m going to be watching TV (which is a rarity) it must command my attention to the point of interaction. Most times while I watch I will scream out my comments so that I can be there. It was so tonight, and I was firmly told to stop. The first time I did it, I tried to hold my piece. However the second time I had to laugh and he didn’t like it. So I gave up, I grabbed the dirty dinner plates, threw them away and retreated to the sanctuary of my bedroom. My bedroom is a constant where I abide in blissful ignorance of the TV, news, and outside goings on. So now I’m frustrated because I put in an obvious effort to gain some time with him and was dismissed. I even put in a hint to possible intimacy latter on, with some casual flirting earlier in the evening. Now I find myself totally turned off. He will no doubt never realize the hurt he administered and will eagerly come to bed with intimacy on his mind. Maybe I will take some pain meds just to be asleep before he retires for bed. I just don’t feel like explaining to him that he turned me off, when he shut me out.