I think I haven't posted in awhile because well I've been too dang sick. Even now I'm tempting fate by doing all this typing. February was a rough health month for me. It was like my body was like why are you out of bed. All total I had 2 really bad flares, one of which is still around, a sinus infection and viral bronchitis.
As my sister said "Where do you think this is coming from?" Honestly 2 things, I'm getting old and stress. Pure and simple stress. I'm still relatively lonely but I won't go there, it's just so over for me. I figured I have no control over that and dwelling on it isn't going to magically make my dh pay attention to me. I do have a few friends who are making the loneliness bareable. Two neighbors and a friend who concidentally migrated here with me from the AK. With the three of them around it's hard to be morose.
As for the old thing, well I turned 32, at the beginning of February and although it was a great birthday it was also eye opening.
I'm old and it's not really the actual age thing. It's that my perceptions have changed and my health, yeah my health. My health, well it continues to get worse whether I live in a cold place or a warm place. Mind you my good days in Arizona siginificantly outweigh my bads days compared to Alaska. However I seem to find myslef still feeling horrid-horrid on the bad days. I still would rather just lie in bed all day, or all week for that matter. It's like Alaska but not, I feel bad but when I do I do get up, like I did in AK but not to just go the bathroom. I go to my spot in the garage get on my computer and open the garage door. The air blows in and it's warm and comforting even if I still feel crappy. But I still feel CRAPPY and I don't know how to not feel crappy. the pain is ALWAYS there, even if it's "only" a 2 instead of a 10.
Perceptions- The Club
I went to the club the day after my birthday and everyone looked like babies. I wanted to have a good time and I did eventually but at first I felt like I was at a middle school dance and I was a chaperone. It was decidedly weird, but I knew it was just that I wasn't a young women anymore. Of course they all looked like babies, they are. I'm 32 and my body think it's 50.
Where does it all end, the feelings of oldness, the constant pain, the sense that my life is not where I want it to be. I'm starting to believe it doesn't and I just need to get over it.
As my sister said "Where do you think this is coming from?" Honestly 2 things, I'm getting old and stress. Pure and simple stress. I'm still relatively lonely but I won't go there, it's just so over for me. I figured I have no control over that and dwelling on it isn't going to magically make my dh pay attention to me. I do have a few friends who are making the loneliness bareable. Two neighbors and a friend who concidentally migrated here with me from the AK. With the three of them around it's hard to be morose.
As for the old thing, well I turned 32, at the beginning of February and although it was a great birthday it was also eye opening.
I'm old and it's not really the actual age thing. It's that my perceptions have changed and my health, yeah my health. My health, well it continues to get worse whether I live in a cold place or a warm place. Mind you my good days in Arizona siginificantly outweigh my bads days compared to Alaska. However I seem to find myslef still feeling horrid-horrid on the bad days. I still would rather just lie in bed all day, or all week for that matter. It's like Alaska but not, I feel bad but when I do I do get up, like I did in AK but not to just go the bathroom. I go to my spot in the garage get on my computer and open the garage door. The air blows in and it's warm and comforting even if I still feel crappy. But I still feel CRAPPY and I don't know how to not feel crappy. the pain is ALWAYS there, even if it's "only" a 2 instead of a 10.
Perceptions- The Club
I went to the club the day after my birthday and everyone looked like babies. I wanted to have a good time and I did eventually but at first I felt like I was at a middle school dance and I was a chaperone. It was decidedly weird, but I knew it was just that I wasn't a young women anymore. Of course they all looked like babies, they are. I'm 32 and my body think it's 50.
Where does it all end, the feelings of oldness, the constant pain, the sense that my life is not where I want it to be. I'm starting to believe it doesn't and I just need to get over it.
