Alone Defined

Alone- Defined- Webster’s

1. Being apart from others; solitary.


2. Being without anyone or anything else; only.


3. Considered separately from all others of the same class.


4. Being without equal; unique.

Being apart from others…. I believe this is where I am right now. Always apart from other’s, I have no physical friends. I don’t even have a husband most of the time. My husband does his own thing regardless of whether it’s hurtful or not. Right now he’s out with his Saturday night buddies. Fridays are supposed to be my evening, and well he took me to watch him play his horn. Normally I would have enjoyed it but well being ill has really cut me off. I was by myself the whole time while he played. It was our night to spend time together and I was still alone. In a smoky nightclub basically listening to the radio while I read a book in the dim smoky light.

Husband Defined: Webster’s

A man joined to a woman in marriage; a male spouse.

However he fits the bill very accurately here. Yet I will always wonder if I could have done better by myself. Considering that I spend most of my time in the fore mentioned state. I want to know why I of all people have suddenly found myself in this quandary. I have not, I thought done anything horribly wrong. I haven’t disguised myself as something I’m not. I am me, although I am very unsure of who that is anymore. I do know that I’m quite lost and uncertain. I’m afraid that I’ve miss-stepped somewhere and have no way of correcting the problem. I can think of a million reasons why I couldn’t be me. And only one reason that I could be me, it’s still my face. Even if it’s not my body, or my feelings, my thoughts or my time.

I’m really quite confused, my husband just came back. I had wished he would but I never even dreamed he would. I was about to politely put my munchkins in bed and knock myself out with drugs so I wouldn’t feel any pain. So the pain would get lost in the incoherency of mind-numbing chaos. So now I get a little reprieve from my senses and maybe I’ll go to sleep happy tonight.