The Healing Process

It's getting better. I know this healing process is not going to be easy or quick. I know that I am on a hard and arduous journey. Even with the task so long and difficult before me I am starting to feel a little normal. I have moments of disorientation. These moments are less and less though.

It's only been 25 days and it feels like each day has been a week. each day I have struggled to live through the flashbacks, the overwhelming sense of terror. The shame of what has happened. I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that my husband had sex with other women. he is no longer all mine.

I was sharing him and I didn't even know I was. Should I attempt to find a lover so I don't feel as if I "missed" out on my own sexual exploration. Also, WHY am I okay with the fact that he has shared himself with other women?

Well maybe, it's not so much that it is okay, it's just that I kind of envy him. I've always wondered what it would be like to be with other men. I just didn't want to betray Torrey. Now it isn't about betraying Torrey. Should I cheat? Just to see what it's like.

What have I been missing? It's not that I'm dis-satisfied with Torrey, sexually. I guess I'm just curious. Is there something wrong with me being curious? Now that Torrey's paying attention to me, I'm no lonely anymore. However I kind of wonder if I could even attract another man. I don't even know if I would be able to.

Agg! All of this makes me wonder if I'm even any good in bed? What do I lack that makes T want to go somewhere else? I hope that Torrey can me feel sexy, sexual and beautiful again. I don't think I remember how to make myself feel it.