Sleep and the bed monster

Sleep still eludes me. It's like the grasping hand that always seems to miss it's mark. I think once I start my body makeover I will sleep better. I always seem to be up really late at night. Right now I usually go to bed around 2-4 am. I read or play on the puter to get sleepy. Nothing works! I'm on sleeping pills but I don't like to take them unless I have a seriously long day ahead of me.

As for the bed monster. Gee I wish I had the money for one of those Sleep Number beds. I think that thing is my ideal bed. Especially with all my health problems. It would be a small piece of heaven to enjoy here. Maybe when we get to England I can start saving money finally to have a couple of little luxuries. We'll see.....

Frustration and resistance

Frustration for me is like meaning to be supportive and failing due to my overwhelming desire for survival. So just where is the crazy woman going with this? Well I'm frustrated with my husband but, who isn't right? Yet it seems he is determine to have everyone else's approval before mine. Although I thought it was "if I'm not happy, nobodies happy." But it's not like that, I'm told that, that is the way it's supposed yo be. But it is rarely that way. I am always compromising. I have been for years, always me and no one else. I think I'm ready to be done with all of this. I feel like I'm used, I'm here for show. Do I even have any real value? Is my only value to take care of "the business end" of the family. Have I no feelings, or needs? I'm so tired of sacrificing all the time, and for what. For someone else to tell me how I should "trust" my husband because he's "with" you. Like you are so wonderful that I shouldn't be worried. I'm sorry, but I've been led astray too many times and I'm tired of B.S. I have had enough. Either what I feel is important or it isn't. Make up your mind hubby, don't let other people make it for you.

Finding Peace

I'm a very peaceful person by nature, however I find little things upset me more. Well they upset me more than they used to. I don't ask for much. Like any mother I want time to myself, happy co-exsistence with the world, and love.

Today plans for a beautiful day fell completely out of my control. It was intended that I have the van today, however my hubby totally forgot about my plans. This is not uncommon with my husband, but he is in the process of redemption and well...it was a strike against him. I was to have a thearpy appointment, go to a local hospital and visit a new baby, grab some lunch and stroll the bookstore. It was to be very thearapeutic, I don't get out of the house much. In fact in the last 2 weeks I have been out of the house about 4 times. So I was looking forward to it. He wanted Chinese. So I missed my appointment, missed the friend w/ the new baby (who consequently missed me), and I had crackers and cheese, pineapple and applesauce for lunch. Very filling, it was such a horrible meal. Feeling quite dejected I decided that it was time for a nap. Later I was awoken by my children coming home from school and now I'm up and still upset. For some reason I can't get past my day that wasn't. I find it increasingly unnerving so of course I had to write about it. Hopefully leaching off some of the poision, will help me get past the day.

I guess now I will work on my menu for the start of body makeover next week. Plus I have some old Star Trek Voyagers to watch, .

So it's like this

First I have like two blogs/journals going right now. But I wanted to divide them up because they are for different purposes. This is my life journal and how I think my other journal is for tracking my weight loss. See I have to lose weight, the doctors keep offering the Gastric bypass. However that is so a no go. I'm sure it works for some people but it's not for the person I rather try something else first. I know I have a lot options and I really don't want to go there. So for now I'm focusing on it my way, we'll see how it works. Here's a blurb from my other journal. http://tqbrowniemom.livejournal.com/2007/01/07/ I'm going to put a link to it on this blog so you can see how I'm doing in other areas of my life.

So a new year

So we are in the start of a new year, and everyone is talking new beginnings. So let's talk new beginnings.

So what are the new beginnings for the DTB for 2007. Well I want to lose weight this year so I've figured out the plan and am almost ready to execute. I am in the beginning phases of our move to England and am truly excited to be going over seas. I am learning more about myself as a person. Just who is this Candace woman? and where has she been for the past 4 to 5 years? If you know please contact Miss DTB @ browniebear94@gci.net with any and all information leading to her whereabouts. She has been AWOL for quite sometime and I'd like to reinstitute her authority in this situation.

So those things being said I'm in for a Doozy of a year. My sanity has already cracked once in the last several months soo we are not looking for a relapse. However if things start to look edgy please be willing to call in the white coats at any time. I was not expecting it but looney bins are quite refreshing, almost vacation like except for the padded walls of course.