Weekends on your back, definitely suck

For those of you with interesting turns of the mind retrieve then from the gutter. I'm talking specifically about spending the weekend in bed because I injured my back on Thursday during a fall. Needless to say the fall aggravated my Fibro and now I'm in amounts of pain I find extremely uncomfortable.

I have a doctor's appointment at 12:45 and I plan to ask for some measures to be taking. I'm really tired of dealing with the amount of pain I do on a daily basis. I also need to see a Physical Therapist. If I could I'd like to be able to have a therapeutic massage every week. I know Tricare probably won't cover it but I really need it. I do know it's one of the few things that does help relax my muscles and promote healing in my already pain riddled body.

As far as the rest of life goes, well...... it goes. Marcel is doing very well. He brought his progress report home for the final qtr. and he has all A's and one B. very Nice! On Tatyanna we are still waiting to see specialists it's just a waiting game now. Her reading has definitely improved and now she is reading anything she can get her hands on. She is definitely like her mam w/ the books. I'm so excited for her, discovering the world of books is always exciting. Back in Ohio life spends out of control and I hear all my info second and third hand. That is very annoying but at least I get the info, right. My kid sister just signed on her house and I wait patiently to find out when my bro and my Dad are going to come down to visit us in our new home. My baby bro has already visited but his next visit is going to be a little longer hopefully. I always miss my family more than ever when I'm going through. There's no "real" no physical support, ya know. I could really use a sibling hug right now.

So everyone when life reaches a semblance of sanity I'm sure yall will be the first to know.

Are you an equal partner, do you know your worth?

I have been married for 13 yrs in July to a wonderful man. I married young and although I have few regrets I do have some, who doesn't. However they are trivial right now, it's my current marital concerns that are not. My dh is a GOOD person, he is fair, loving, great with people, and everyone says so. Now he is really all those things, just not to me . Ever since I became ill I've kind of become invisible. I used to believe he fell in love w/ me, Candace, the WHOLE person. I'm starting to realize that that is not necessarily true. When I was a size 4 and 120 lbs, we would got out and he would "show me off' to all and sundry. Then I thought it was cute, I even played along. Now it just seems childish, I was a possession, it was like I was a car. When he takes me out now, IF he takes me out he puts me in a dark corner and runs around socializing, coming back occasionally to check on me. He hides me, he's ashamed of his "broken" wife. Even when after the children had added some weight I still had worth to him because I was working. I made REALLY good money, so he showed me off as an asset but not as a partner. It's hard when you come to that realization that the love of your life does not see you. He only sees you when you are well, a possession or tool. I truly believe that the only thing he sees in me now is my ability to manage the finances, care for the children and read my way through the pain.

A tendency to dwell

I have what my dh calls worry-woritis. It is a recurring and annoying syndrome. I worry about the silliest crap, and the big stuff almost drives me insane. I know you are not supposed to sweat the small stuff, but the big stuff makes me dehydrated. To say I've been dwelling on alot of really big things is kind of redundant. Life has just not been any fun here. Our finances suck, Torrey and I have no visible type of relationship. I really wonder if I'm even still married, there's the ring but that's about the only physical connection I have to him. The stuff with Taty is up in the sir, tests upon tests that have to be performed. Then we have to wait for answers, it's all so frusterpating. And life in itself is just short of crummy, my eyes burn from lack of sleep and head aches from too much unneeded information. And still I pray because He may not answer when I ask Him too, but He will answer.

Waiting

I write and I wait and I pray. Tatyanna's MRI was successful but I would like to avoid at all costs the image of my dd going under anesthesia. It was not something a Mother should have to experience. I am still saturating myself in te word of Gad the battle has just begun. The MRI report says that Taty has something called a Rathke's Cleft Cyst. You can read up on it here http://www.pituitary.org/disorders/rathkes_cleft_cysts.aspx . Apparently benign but with the probability to cause pituitary dysfunction/disorders. So now our dear dd has to see a neurologist and a endocrinologist. I am just praying and waiting.

As for me the stress from all of this is having a field day with my Fibro. Stress is one of those things that they say to "avoid" when you have Fibro. How can you "avoid" stress when it comes looking for you. Whatever, I stopped listening to the impossible requests a long time ago. So now I'm trying to get thru the pain and keep my spirit from wigging out. I love being a mother but this week has been one of those for the annuals.

When Faith is all you have

Be glad that faith is all around you and is able to surround you, even when yours is sorely tried.
My BABY Girl

Create Your Own
my little princess is maturing too fast. So I decided to see why, I took her to the Doctor on Friday. She's been having these really horrible headaches, more like migraines. She has enough hair on her body for a girl of 11 about to start her menses and she already has body odor, and acne. Obviously I was concerned, and so are her doctor's. They have scheduled a MRI for Monday w/ sedation to figure out what's going on there.

So naturally I'm a little worried, but this is where your Faith has to overwhelm your worry. I've been in prayer, and surrounding myself with the things of God. Trying to create an atmosphere in which to let Him do what he needs to do. Even while I type Ce Ce Winans new CD Thy Kingdom Come blasts from my computer. The song on now called the Test of Time, explains that God is in control, even when we are in pain, to comfort, He continues love. He is in Control for He is God..... I'm letting these words sink into my spirit.

I just have to believe that He is God. All of you know that it is hard when you are the one going through to focus on something greater than yourself. Especially when it is your child, your baby. I continue to pray, to put myself in His hands.

Today is NOT the day

Today couldn't be the day cuz my Fibromyalgia has decided it isn't. I missed the alarm clock to wake my children, then missed them leave for school, and next thing I knew it was almost 10 am. Fibro is annoying it pleases only itself, it is in essence a whiny child. I always feel like I just linger in this life when my Fibro flares. I sit on the edge of life while it passes me, I live in the pain and pine in the ache that it is. No one understands how pain can be so completely consuming. Yet here am I overwhelmed by it, struggling not to devour everything in the house to cover the pain. All I can do is medicate myself in the hope that my Fibro will accept my offering and allow me a modicum of temporary relief.

Now I'm going to do just that, maybe try to reading a little, as a distraction. I will hobble from my computer to my kitchen grab a snack, hobble to my room, take some meds and pray. Always Praying, forever in prayer asking the Lord to just give me peace in the pain.

Cracked and a little dazed

. Cracked is right and dazed from drugs. While eating a snack yesterday, I hear a resounding crack. I inspect my mouth in the bathroom mirror to discover that I have cracked one of my lower right teeth. Now I have to say I have some of the most horrible teeth anywhere. I have a GORGEOUS smile, but my dental health is seriously lacking. I brush, I floss, I get cleanings but I just have BAD teeth. So, this tooth is a tooth that has many fillings in it, at least 3 that I could see. No to mention it's been filled since I was about 10 or 11. So the fillings were old and deteriorating hence the split from my mouth.

I got to the dentist today and he says WOW you need work. I'm like you think? But I must say he was really nice, gentle and quick. He says I need a crown and a possible root canal. If I have a root canal it will be my 4th or 5th, I'm unsure So now I wait patiently as my mouth thaws from the anesthetic. I'm so ready to eat, I haven't eaten since I cracked my tooth. PB&J is sounding good and I'm NOT a PB&J woman.

As for the family. Taty has been having some really strange headaches, which we are having her checked out for more thoroughly on Friday. For right now the poor thing is on Tylenol w/ Codeine. Marcel- nothing really knew. The dh, well he's busy and his shifts as usually have no predictable course. But such is the life of a military family.

Well I think I'm about done my mouth is alive again and I can now feel my tongue. However I can also feel that tooth, and the throbbing pain it has now developed. Yeouch!

It's been an interesting last couple of days. I'm working on a project right now that is so far going very well. unfortunately I'm not at liberty to say what that project is at the moment. However I will say that is life changing, as well as being a really BIG surprise for all my Mommy friends.

As far as the family goes the kids had been sick over the weekend and I was working on getting them well. Marcel's asthma is acting up but they put him on a burst of steroids and he should start to feel good as new soon.

The dh got a flat tire on Sunday night early Monday. He scared about 5 years off me with this one. His phone went dead and then he had to pump the spare by hand. So I didn't get a call from him telling me where he was or why he was late until almost 3am. Not cool!

Yesterday while cooking dinner he decided to April me Fool by telling me he got a remote assignment to Korea for a year, leaving in December. I believed him whole heartedly but didn't freak out. I just thought oh well I'm a military spouse, what can I do? When the military send down a decree you say okay. While mulling over what was said I realized what day it was and asked him if he was fooling me. Of course he said yes, so I punched in the arm. So NOT funny.

Today I'm crashing a little so I will be heading to bed momentarily, with some Percocet and Flexril as nap time companions. I hope everyone has a great rest of the day.