Dont Settle

Don’t settle, never settle. My whole life I’ve always settled. I was under the misguided belief that I had to make everyone else happy. I never considered my happiness, my future. Now I have none. I was once a beautiful women, I had the world before me. I could have been anything and I blew it. Why? I actually thought love was enough; I thought that one man was the only man. I never saw any other men as attractive, I never gave anyone else a chance. I was so love struck that I made other men feel as if I was too good for them. In reality they were too good for me. I never even imagined that there could be another person other than my husband. I still feel that there is only one man, my husband. Although it’s because I don’t believe in more than one sexual partner. The thought of another man touching me is revolting. So I basically screwed myself by thinking that his love would be enough to last forever. However it’s not, I’m miserable. I’m alone most of the time, he doesn’t spend quality time with me, and he thinks my happiness is as important as what is for dinner. I’m a possession, a thing, and a prize. I’m sure in his own way he loves me, but his love for me is secondary to his own pleasures. If he has to choose between me and an evening out, he chooses the evening out. He doesn’t care that I’m lonely, sick and in pain. He only cares that I’m not fun, I’m boring and we have nothing in common. I wonder why I’m still here. I realize that I was stupid. I have no career now because I’m ill. I’m a responsible individual so I won’t divorce my husband because it would ruin my children. My children are more important than my own happiness. When my children are grown maybe I’ll get enough balls to leave my inattentive husband. I’ll be lonely, miserable, and old, but I won’t be with someone who doesn’t care. So now I wait until I either die or he does. The old fashioned marriage, till death do us part, in sickness and health, etc, etc. So all you young ladies that know you’re in love don’t let that love consume you. Don’t let it blind you to your own worth. Everyone is worth something. I denied myself my own worth by settling for a man that will never grow up and never love me more than he loves his Camaro.

I posted on his birthday that I was glad he wsa born. I'm still glad he was born, but I wish I hadn't been so snobby. I wish I had given other men a chance, I didn't know that he would make me so miserable. I wanted so much more for my life, and I haven't accomplished it. I didn't know, I grew up I was 19 when I married I was naieve and foolish. I didn't know any better I thought I kne what I wanted. I thought what I wanted was to be Torrey's to be loved by one man. I didn't know that no man can make you happy. Now that I've "grown up" I know that the only person that can make me happy is me. I failed myself, but I won't fail my children, and I won't fail Torrey. I've given him and my children all my love I have none left to give myself. I don't even know if I had love left if I would love myself. I am ashamed of myself I didn't do what was right for myself because I was snobby and I have screwed up ideals. I'm responsibe and I know what is right, but no one ever said right was happy.