What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Pain is like daggers of ice, hope is nothing. To be dead would be a release, but also that most awful utter act of selfishness. I am if nothing else not a selfish person. I hurt, and it’s me alone trying desperately not to be. Where am I? Why am I? I so DO NOT want to be here. Here SUCKS but I have no elsewhere to go. There is nothing else for me I have left myself no options. I have spent my last dime and was tricked into thinking that I had Jack’s magic beans. My fairytale that never was.

I was 19 when I got married; I’m 30 now, 11 years. Then I knew, I still know what I wanted. I wanted a home and a family, a career, and happiness. Now all my walls come crashing down and the world has ceased to be wonderful. I wake and walk in pain, I see, eat, and breathe it. I want to drown in it and have it be over. Nothing seems to be real anymore I have walked away from reality. I saw and adopted a quoted blinkie. This blinkie states “I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.” Or rather I broke it, not sure when, but I did. I messed up somewhere I believe, not sure where. I had this amazing thought that if I loved and gave and was. Well it has something to do with reciprocation, or at least that was my theory. Where did I go wrong? Was I wrong? I am so confused!