Dont Settle

Don’t settle, never settle. My whole life I’ve always settled. I was under the misguided belief that I had to make everyone else happy. I never considered my happiness, my future. Now I have none. I was once a beautiful women, I had the world before me. I could have been anything and I blew it. Why? I actually thought love was enough; I thought that one man was the only man. I never saw any other men as attractive, I never gave anyone else a chance. I was so love struck that I made other men feel as if I was too good for them. In reality they were too good for me. I never even imagined that there could be another person other than my husband. I still feel that there is only one man, my husband. Although it’s because I don’t believe in more than one sexual partner. The thought of another man touching me is revolting. So I basically screwed myself by thinking that his love would be enough to last forever. However it’s not, I’m miserable. I’m alone most of the time, he doesn’t spend quality time with me, and he thinks my happiness is as important as what is for dinner. I’m a possession, a thing, and a prize. I’m sure in his own way he loves me, but his love for me is secondary to his own pleasures. If he has to choose between me and an evening out, he chooses the evening out. He doesn’t care that I’m lonely, sick and in pain. He only cares that I’m not fun, I’m boring and we have nothing in common. I wonder why I’m still here. I realize that I was stupid. I have no career now because I’m ill. I’m a responsible individual so I won’t divorce my husband because it would ruin my children. My children are more important than my own happiness. When my children are grown maybe I’ll get enough balls to leave my inattentive husband. I’ll be lonely, miserable, and old, but I won’t be with someone who doesn’t care. So now I wait until I either die or he does. The old fashioned marriage, till death do us part, in sickness and health, etc, etc. So all you young ladies that know you’re in love don’t let that love consume you. Don’t let it blind you to your own worth. Everyone is worth something. I denied myself my own worth by settling for a man that will never grow up and never love me more than he loves his Camaro.

I posted on his birthday that I was glad he wsa born. I'm still glad he was born, but I wish I hadn't been so snobby. I wish I had given other men a chance, I didn't know that he would make me so miserable. I wanted so much more for my life, and I haven't accomplished it. I didn't know, I grew up I was 19 when I married I was naieve and foolish. I didn't know any better I thought I kne what I wanted. I thought what I wanted was to be Torrey's to be loved by one man. I didn't know that no man can make you happy. Now that I've "grown up" I know that the only person that can make me happy is me. I failed myself, but I won't fail my children, and I won't fail Torrey. I've given him and my children all my love I have none left to give myself. I don't even know if I had love left if I would love myself. I am ashamed of myself I didn't do what was right for myself because I was snobby and I have screwed up ideals. I'm responsibe and I know what is right, but no one ever said right was happy.

Heroes

This post is in reply to my kid-sister’s blog post found at the below link.

My Sister's Blog for March 13th, 2006



A very appropriate answer my dear sister. If I had attempted to answer this I would have defiantly had a different answer, but only because of life circumstance at this moment. With my friend dying in Iraq, he is one of my Heroes. With my husband being awarded a purple heart for wounds received in Daharan, he is one of my Hero's. With my children having to cope with having their mother being ill at a time in the life when they need a well mother, they are two of my Hero's. With my brother following his dreams even when he get's frustrated, he is one of my Hero's. With my parent’s surving a tumulus marriage, they are two of my Hero's. With my husband's parents being some of the best and non-interfering IL's EVER, they are two of my Hero's. And you my sister, for having the courage to stand up for your faith, to not look back on your mistakes and to recognize God's greatest gift, you are one of my Hero's. And then Jesus who without His sacrifice I would have no Hero's. For God is the author of all, and it goes without saying that He is my Hero,THE Hero, and the underlying reason for all the others.

Today- 12 March 06

Today

Today is my husband’s 31st birthday. He is not a birthday person so…no party, no card, no cake. But I wanted to acknowledge somewhere, somehow that he was born today. It’s important to me, even if it isn’t to him. If he had not been born my life would have been so different. I am so glad that he was born today, that I couldn’t even fathom my life without him.
My husband Torrey Shondell was born March 12th, 1975 to Sylvia and a man who we don’t acknowledge accept to say that he donated sperm. Now I’m glad he donated his sperm but that is probably one of the few things of great note in that man’s life. My husband was born in Toledo, Ohio. His mother divorced the sperm donor and they moved to Columbus, Ohio. Here his mother met and married my husbands’ true father Jonathan Hardy when Torrey was 3. His family stayed in Columbus and he grew up there, where I later met him at a performance in 1993. We were both participating in a collaborative performance between the High School Dance Department and the Career Center Instrumental Music Department. We were both well know in both departments but had never heard of or seen the other. Our mutual friends thought this was rather funny and conspired for us to meet. It worked and from the moment he said hello I was his. The rest they say is history. We married in the summer of 1995 and have been together ever since.
My husband has been the driving force in my life since that first hello. He has always pushed me to be my best even when I doubted myself. He has literally kept me alive through some of my worst trials. I must say that this man’s birth changed my life. To God I am forever grateful for forming this man in your mind to be the companion you knew I would NEED.

Im just trying to figure out what happened...

I’m just trying to figure out what happened.

I was in pain, but I’m always in pain. Today though it was different. I went to get groceries it was supposed to be straightforward. I got up, took a shower, put clothes on, made a list, and drove to the store. Now the commissary had been closed for 2 days, store reset. They turned my frequented shopping place into a fibromites hell. I had to search for everything. It took me like an hour to get maybe 20 items, it was excruciating. I returned home feeling like I had swam a mile, ran three, and hiked a mountain. I still have yet to recover from my outing. And yet as I type my day failed to get better, my playmate for my daughter was canceled. My mother called an told me my Great Aunt is again in the hospital, and my sister is having a surgical procedure tomorrow that I would prefer I was home to be there for her. My bf here got great news too; her FIL has 6 months to a year to live. How come I missed all this? I went to the store, and while I exhausted myself, the world turned upside down. Where was I, what was I thinking? My hands shake from the exertion of typing this and my husband works, and my children play and I slowly lose my grasp on what….? Life, time, thought, joy, anything and everything I can think of. I am so confused, and guess what I’m still in pain.

Alone Defined

Alone- Defined- Webster’s

1. Being apart from others; solitary.


2. Being without anyone or anything else; only.


3. Considered separately from all others of the same class.


4. Being without equal; unique.

Being apart from others…. I believe this is where I am right now. Always apart from other’s, I have no physical friends. I don’t even have a husband most of the time. My husband does his own thing regardless of whether it’s hurtful or not. Right now he’s out with his Saturday night buddies. Fridays are supposed to be my evening, and well he took me to watch him play his horn. Normally I would have enjoyed it but well being ill has really cut me off. I was by myself the whole time while he played. It was our night to spend time together and I was still alone. In a smoky nightclub basically listening to the radio while I read a book in the dim smoky light.

Husband Defined: Webster’s

A man joined to a woman in marriage; a male spouse.

However he fits the bill very accurately here. Yet I will always wonder if I could have done better by myself. Considering that I spend most of my time in the fore mentioned state. I want to know why I of all people have suddenly found myself in this quandary. I have not, I thought done anything horribly wrong. I haven’t disguised myself as something I’m not. I am me, although I am very unsure of who that is anymore. I do know that I’m quite lost and uncertain. I’m afraid that I’ve miss-stepped somewhere and have no way of correcting the problem. I can think of a million reasons why I couldn’t be me. And only one reason that I could be me, it’s still my face. Even if it’s not my body, or my feelings, my thoughts or my time.

I’m really quite confused, my husband just came back. I had wished he would but I never even dreamed he would. I was about to politely put my munchkins in bed and knock myself out with drugs so I wouldn’t feel any pain. So the pain would get lost in the incoherency of mind-numbing chaos. So now I get a little reprieve from my senses and maybe I’ll go to sleep happy tonight.

What is going on in the life of DTB

What is going on in the life of the DTB. Well I’m just trying to survive right now. It’s a daunting process, I would be a lot happier if I could just get well. Now I’m not saying staying home with my daughter is bad, but it sure is boring. More to come….