Lonely still

We've been here for almost 7 months and still I get lonely. I made a LOT of very close friend in the AK and if I think about it in FL too. But I don't know it just seems really hard at this moment in time to separate myself from my feelings. Maybe Aunt Flow is coming, who knows I'm so irregular. It's just that i was just on My Space and saw an old AK friends page. Her kids have grown so much since may of last year. It's been almost a year since we saw them last. Her dd and mine were BFF's and I know Taty misses Mac alot. I know I miss Grace. I just had to put this up before I finally got my butt into bed. I was amazed by how much it hurt, I actually started to tear up looking at the pics.

Loopedy, loop, loop

Sometimes I think I'm riding a roller coaster and I'm the one that's about ready to pee on herself. I hate roller coasters by the way. Last night was crucial, a real dozy of a pain night. 6 Percocet and 3 Flexril, and I feel like someone stuffed cotton wool in my mouth. I laid in bed an prayed that I would just pass out but no such luck. Then I started to ramble at my poor husband. I really talked a wind about him, about spending more time with his family, mostly. At least that is what my tells me that I was saying. Being that medicated, I'm not really all that certain. He was so sweet, he listened in a sleep stupor and answered with a lot of Huh's? I'm not staying on the computer too long today. I'm going to pick a book, and some lunch then sleep, veg, probably re-medicate. I'm still screaming on this dang roller coaster and I really would like to get off.

I'll take my aches w/ a side of blah

I so overdid it yesterday. Can you say dumb? You'd think by now I would have figured out what my physical limits are. I've only been sick for oh 33 months, just short of 3 years. But nooo, I can't seem to get it. Gee Mo Peep it all aches even my pelvis. Why does my pelvis ache? I haven't used that part of my body for anything good in WEEKS! I feel like someone has beaten quite soundly with large watermelons. My temper is short and the pain is nasty.

The good thing I have meds to control the pain. The bad thing I try not to take those meds unless I'm in dire straights. So I have been putting off medicating myself ALL day so that I can get in bed and not have to do anything else. Another good thing the kids have been fed and I have nothing else pressing to do this evening. So as soon as I finish a couple of things I've been working on I willl be medicating and reading myself to sleep.

This is one of the moments in my Fibro journey that I am like I REALLY HATE PAIN, pain is like as I've said many times-

Having Fibromyalgia pain, is like trying to tell a 2 year old No. That should be every Fibromites motto

.

I'm sure the world is upside down and I'm right side up

Everyone I know seems to be going through the fire right now or knows someone who is. Family acting evil and indifferent, children hurting themselves, friends who have family issues. I sit here and ponder this illogical insane world. People who have no morals, or sense. Politicians that admit to stupidity and expect you to still vote for them. Husbands who choose their careers over their families. Mother's who would rather take drugs, drink and party then love their children. I'm confused and sadden by the state of the world. Yet I look at my own children and they are smart, safe, and well loved. Even while the world spins inside out and upside down, my family stays right sided and blessed. Thank you Lord for your blessings even when the stress is overwhelming, You still bless and keep. I will try to see the positive in every situation and pray for the understanding to see past the insanity.

I wish I had the money for a beautician!

I braided my son's hair yesterday, that was chores! I wanted to post about it yesterday but after the creditor post my hands were so done. His hair has gotten so long and beautiful, it's not fair. My dd has to have dreads because her scalp is so bad and it can not tolerate relaxers anymore. I had to have all my cut off because it was breaking off and going gray from stress. It is ridiculous. How can my wonderful 11 y/o boy be so blessed. Oh well at least one of us has good hair.

I HATE MONEY

I am not a bad financial manager but Gee Mo Peep, I can not get blood out of a rock. I just spent the most harrowing moments of my life on the phone with a creditor/lawyers office. He was not nice. I'm just going to say that I HATE creditors, I HATE them. They are mean and annoying, and heartless. What made it worse was that he was trying to make me sound like I was dumb and overreacting to his "threats that weren't threats". He kept telling me that I was just perceiving his "threats" as threats. The fact that he kept telling me that if I didn't pay them when they said that my dh was going to lose rank, that the fees to go to court would be worse, that the world was basically going to come to an end, were just perceived threats. I tried to be calm but when you are disabled and your choices are be minimally functional or work. With minimally functional being, getting dressed everyday, taking care of my kids, and if I can making dinner.

What am I supposed to do, never leave the house (gas being outrageous), never feed my family, not pay other bills to make the one company happy. This is not the worse situation we have ever been in but I'm losing my hair and going gray for a pretty good reason.

Where I'm going

So I've been on this mother's board since my youngest was born in 2000. It started as a Expecting Mother's board on iVillage in I'm thinking February 2000. Well we've all moved, some of us have had more children, things have changed good or bad. I'm guessing there is about 35-40 of us and that's a high number. Well to the point I'm rambling, we are all (well most of us) going to FINALLY meet each other in Chicago. The Windy City this summer, I can't wait.
Now I have to say that some of us have already met, but we've rarely met in groups larger than 4 maybe 5. I have met about 5 people off the board myself, and I'm really looking forward to meeting some of those I seem to keep missing. Right now we are forming committee's and nailing down dates. At this point all I care about is how soon can it get here. There's just something about a bunch of women getting together to have a great time that just makes life seem a little sweeter.

So I haven posted in awhile

I think I haven't posted in awhile because well I've been too dang sick. Even now I'm tempting fate by doing all this typing. February was a rough health month for me. It was like my body was like why are you out of bed. All total I had 2 really bad flares, one of which is still around, a sinus infection and viral bronchitis.

As my sister said "Where do you think this is coming from?" Honestly 2 things, I'm getting old and stress. Pure and simple stress. I'm still relatively lonely but I won't go there, it's just so over for me. I figured I have no control over that and dwelling on it isn't going to magically make my dh pay attention to me. I do have a few friends who are making the loneliness bareable. Two neighbors and a friend who concidentally migrated here with me from the AK. With the three of them around it's hard to be morose.

As for the old thing, well I turned 32, at the beginning of February and although it was a great birthday it was also eye opening.

I'm old and it's not really the actual age thing. It's that my perceptions have changed and my health, yeah my health. My health, well it continues to get worse whether I live in a cold place or a warm place. Mind you my good days in Arizona siginificantly outweigh my bads days compared to Alaska. However I seem to find myslef still feeling horrid-horrid on the bad days. I still would rather just lie in bed all day, or all week for that matter. It's like Alaska but not, I feel bad but when I do I do get up, like I did in AK but not to just go the bathroom. I go to my spot in the garage get on my computer and open the garage door. The air blows in and it's warm and comforting even if I still feel crappy. But I still feel CRAPPY and I don't know how to not feel crappy. the pain is ALWAYS there, even if it's "only" a 2 instead of a 10.

Perceptions- The Club
I went to the club the day after my birthday and everyone looked like babies. I wanted to have a good time and I did eventually but at first I felt like I was at a middle school dance and I was a chaperone. It was decidedly weird, but I knew it was just that I wasn't a young women anymore. Of course they all looked like babies, they are. I'm 32 and my body think it's 50.

Where does it all end, the feelings of oldness, the constant pain, the sense that my life is not where I want it to be. I'm starting to believe it doesn't and I just need to get over it.