My new passion

I've discovered a new passion.......billiards. I love playing pool! I wasn't ever really interested in it before, it just looked too hard. Then I came home and watched my pregnant sister play and she's really good. I was like if she can do it pg, I can do it with Fibro. Well...... I didn't start off as the best player but I'm getting better. I can make about 60% of my shots now instead of 5%. It's taken a LOT of practice, sore hands, and sore arms. Ive been pratcing at least once a week. I'd like to shoot more often, everyday if I could, LOL. However it has a lot to do with having someone to shoot against. I'm going to keep doing what I can though, I beat Heather the other day soooo....

I've decided that I'm going to get my Sissy a pool stick for Christmas for inspiring me to try something new. I think everyone needs to try new things every once in awhile. It keeps life interesting, welcomes new ideas, and fires dormant passions. Life has been so tough for me lately and having a new thing has helped to break out of this life of almost hermit-ship. It's like I've been rejuvenated. It's not all pool, not in the least. However I'd like to think that billiards has given me a different focus. Something to "shoot" for outside of myself.

What's going on

I'm confused and I'm lonely, my patience is stretched thin like parchment. My soul is dry and withered and my heart has less beats.

I haven't been held in so long I think I've forgotten what it feels like. I've been in a different state from my husband for a little over two months. And still by the time I see him again it will be over 3, almost 3 and a half. He hasn't really held me, or talked to me, or paid much attention to me at all in the last two years. Well since I've been sick, since they told me I have Fibro. I don't think that he realizes how lonely I am, how much his neglect has affected me, our relationship.

There's a person who makes me feel beautiful, wonderful, and has spent time with me in these months that I've become enamored with. I'm scared, I'm scared of my feelings. I'm scared because I love my husband and yet I'm so lonely and neglected that I almost don't care.

I rummage between thoughts of being with my husband again and being held by this person. I think of my husband and sigh and wonder if to return to him is to return to loneliness. I think of this person and laugh scrutinizing my thoughts. Why am I thinking these things when they gave up on me years ago. Where is my perspective.

I've been in this relationship with my husband for my entire adult life. I've never known another man's love, never experience the feel of another man against my skin. I haven't even kissed or danced with another man since I met my husband. Did I miss out? Did I deny myself the right to choice? Have I lost all my perspective concentrating solely on making a home for this one man.

I'm lonely and confused, thoughts drifing in the wind. My soul shrunken like a lightening blasted tree. My heart, .....it has finally stopped beating.