A little wondering

I’ve been wondering and I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about all the changes I’d like to make in my life. I’ve been wondering about life and if all the changes are necessary. Yet as I’m wondering, as I’m thinking, I realize that change is the foundation of life. Change is inevitable, change is everything, and change is life. To grow we must change with the growth of that part or way of thinking. To learn we must change the way we think. To accept we must change our ideals. Changing is metamorphosis, it is absolute but within defined parameters. A child will become a teen, who will become and adult. That teen will not however turn into an elephant or a hippo. That teen will still be a human being within but with a change.

I’m changing. I’m becoming something more and something less. I’m redefining who I am and learning to accept those changes. I will no longer be a working Mom, but that’s okay. I am morphing into a SAHM (again) and I believe I can change my messy house into an orderly home. My illness is changing my body, but I am accepting those changes and determining where in my life I need to make changes to accept my health. My new roles are becoming more defined th changing, as I am changing. I have to believe that change is good, because whether or not I like it change has begun.

Change is different, but I will not allow it to be bad. I will change with it and I will CHANGE it into something wonderfully, amusingly, the same.

I just needed a minute

I just needed a minute. I just wanted some time. I’m looking out the window and I find I’m undefined. I’m watching time unravel and space defeat itself. Everything is plausible when you’re talking to yourself.

I’ve escaped death and walked in on life, to die. I’ve missed my train and boarded a plane that’s destined to collide. Colliding with my nerves and hiding in despair. I’ve never been a dreamer but I want to find a dream. All the seemings have come undone and now all I can do is bleed.

And if I bleed to death is the color true? Is my blood not sorrow, a basic living rouge. I’m tired of playing house and falling short on dimes. I’m tired of living nothing and losing daily struggles. I’m lost and courage is beneath me.

I’m on a rock in the middle of the ocean and paper is my fear. I’m walking in on time and have somehow caught a watch. I hear ticking in the background and it’s not a bomb. It’s my life, soul, and breath seeping out it’s, seconds, it’s minutes, hours, and days. Living the smallest possible life.

Smaller than my closest atom, microns thin and sticky sweet. With my tears and deepest thoughts along it. The skin is wet with tingling hollows of futures left unwritten. My past is damp with unsuccess and peace is scarce and barren. I’m losing a winning battle. I’ve left the sidelines cold, my muscles for life are not warmed up and my mind is not gone today.

Where do you go Part 3

Where do you go- Part 3

How can he be so stupid?
How can he not see?
Not see now much I need him
Sureness in the matter of Alone
I must accept that
No,  there is but me
No support
No love
I am
Alone

Alone with my pain
Alone with my anguish
Alone with my fear
Alone, unloved, uncared
Abandoned
Totally bereft

The only person I know
Knows not
Not how much it hurts
How I ache
How totally and utterly
Alone
I
Am

Where do you go when your lost? Part 2

Pain is like a tissue
You cry into it and it only tears more deeply
You are soaked with it, and it falls apart
To mulitple to more pain

How can the one you love so completely
love you so little
How can a person not realize that they are not the world

How can you leave someone in total anguish
Knowing not, that the smile is just a mask

Am I so great an actress
Should I not be granted an Oscar

Yet to be granted, there must be a presenter
And I am yet utterly and completely alone

Part 3 to come......

Where do you go when your lost....

This is an excerpt from a journal/poem I wrote on the 2 of October @ 1237 am

PART 1
When you hurt this bad
What do you do?
When you bleed tears and cry blood
When your throat is dry from anguish and your heart stops upon pain

When your so lonely, crying makes the ache worse, but not to cry makes the silence deeper
When those you love can not see, past selfishness and desire
You realize that you are totally and utterly alone

Where do you go?
When life is worth so little and love is lost

Part 2 to come....

JUST ME 

Ever feel like your caught in between done and desperation. I was in the car on the way home from the book store, when I realized how worthless I'm feeling these days. I want to go out and do things, be places but I'm scared. Scared, yeah I'm scared because everytime I try to attepmt to live normally I end up overdoing it. Afterwards I'm exhausted, miserable, depressed and in pain. I want to know why I can't just be well. I want to understand why it's so hard right now to be normal, to be happy. I don't think ever been this miserable in my life. I can't cook, I can't quilt, I can barely crochet and type. What I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life if I can't function normally. It's so unfair, but who said life was fair; right.
Aggg!

Fonts

There is one thing I have decided that i Don't feel good about and that is the fonts on the site. For me fonts speak for you when you write in journals and such. There just isn't enough variety in the fonts. I'll figure it out, so I sound like me.

Bears first day out

I'm really new to this whole blogging thing. However I have an inordinate amount of time on my hands right now. It also looks like I'm going to be like this for a moment. Taking a peek into my world you will see a overweight, ill, married, mother of two. I have recently developed a list of health problems that is dangerously ridiculous. We will say that my pain is like telling a 2 year old, NO!. I am a health care professional whose health is jeporadizing her career. It's funny I help in the diagnosis of other people diseases but mine is not so easy to daignose. I am on the verge of insanity with a mind numbing amount of restless fear. So here I am the darling turquoise bear, also known as Brownibear to most and Mrs/Mama Bear to some. I'm just lettin the world know I'm here and that it is possible to be in a housefull of people and be totally alone.