Okay So Not Cool

Okay not cool

I am up @ 6am not by choice. My husband went tout to take care of a friend. That was 6-7 hours ago. He has called twice, after I have called him to see what was up. Now I’m getting a little worried. I again called and now there is no answer. I’m being paranoid I know but it’s the night before Thanksgiving. You don’t stay out past 6am on the night before Thanksgiving, well at least not without a damn good reason. So I’m up worried as usual, and my DH has no worries that I’m up as usual. You’d think he knows me enough by now that I would know that he is not here. It’s an internal clock thing, I wake up like every 3 hours when he’s not home and do like a “systems” check. It must be a wife/mom/parent thing. But I’ll tell ya before all this mess with T I could sleep through the night. Now I worry when he’s out and there’s no phone calls. Why does the man even own as cell phone? He doesn’t use it. Okay wait a minute he does use it, he just doesn’t use it to call me.

I guess I'm Due

Well I haven’t posted in a minute so I guess I’m due. I do really like blogging it’s just that typing is such a pain for me with the Fibro. However I’m doing really well with IT. You know I’ve figured out that my mental attitude towards being disabled has changed A LOT. I still feel quite crappy 80% of the time, but I continuously tell myself that I’m still here and it’s NOT that bad. Yes it hurts like HELL but it’s not half as bad as it could be. Cleaning, housework and shoot anything is still like climbing a mountain but now it’s a mountain I know I can scale if not reach the top. I guess it’s like finding the right hand holds when mountain climbing. You spend quite a bit of time deliberating on the right ones because you don’t want to make a miscalculation and fall. So far I’m still doing a lot of deliberating before I find the right choices. I don’t think I’ve found all the right combinations yet of work and rest but I’m determined to one day use my HT certification. I want to be back in a lab, even if it’s only part-time. Right now though there is one song right now that stays with me everyday. When I wake up in the morning and it hurts to get to the bathroom. When I can’t go to sleep because the pain is unbearable. When I fight myself on finishing a task or on taking pain meds to make it thru. And let me tell you I HATE pain meds, they make me Loopy and I can’t participate as a family member. Pooey on that I’d rather have the pain, at least they can see me smile. When all this is there I say I’m still here I can get back up and Stand.

SO my song right now is Stand by Rascal Flatts. It’s the epitome of being somewhere you don’t want to be and saying okay but…. I’m not down.

Okay So I'm Home, ......Ohio that is

So I'm home and it's weird. I've been over doing it and I know I shouldn't. But it's so hard when you have so much to do and see. So the overdoing has caused 3 major crashes. The most recent one this weekend, lost all of Sunday and Monday. I hate it when that happens! So in the mist of a "pain drug" induced sleep, I wake up with the some really random thoughts. So I call my baby brother upstairs and ask him to write it cuz well.... I couldn't. And this is what spilled out...

Mother's are like trapeeze artists'. They perform a balancing act, swinging on that little bar. Balancing family, finances, relationships and careers. And yet they manage to smile, wowing the crowd night after night. Twirling and tumbling as they seek to do they impossible. They fall and are caught by a net, always careful these mothers. Always to stand again, shaken they return to the heights to begin again their duties as if nothing ever happens. The show MUST go on.
So if parasols are moods during theses acts, yellow for happiness, blue for sorrow, red for passion, black for anger, white for peace. I would wish that my parasol was yellow, but it's blue. And I begin again....

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Pain is like daggers of ice, hope is nothing. To be dead would be a release, but also that most awful utter act of selfishness. I am if nothing else not a selfish person. I hurt, and it’s me alone trying desperately not to be. Where am I? Why am I? I so DO NOT want to be here. Here SUCKS but I have no elsewhere to go. There is nothing else for me I have left myself no options. I have spent my last dime and was tricked into thinking that I had Jack’s magic beans. My fairytale that never was.

I was 19 when I got married; I’m 30 now, 11 years. Then I knew, I still know what I wanted. I wanted a home and a family, a career, and happiness. Now all my walls come crashing down and the world has ceased to be wonderful. I wake and walk in pain, I see, eat, and breathe it. I want to drown in it and have it be over. Nothing seems to be real anymore I have walked away from reality. I saw and adopted a quoted blinkie. This blinkie states “I used to have a handle on life but then it broke.” Or rather I broke it, not sure when, but I did. I messed up somewhere I believe, not sure where. I had this amazing thought that if I loved and gave and was. Well it has something to do with reciprocation, or at least that was my theory. Where did I go wrong? Was I wrong? I am so confused!

A book cant tell you to be quiet

A book can’t tell you to be quiet

I’m a very verbal person. I say what I feel and do it, if at all possible. I hate to be shot down and I hate to be discouraged. I was trying to be in my husband’s world. I thought I had at least opened the door, but once again he shut me out. While watching basketball playoffs (mind you-the playoffs are serious business), I got a little excited. I believe, if I’m going to be watching TV (which is a rarity) it must command my attention to the point of interaction. Most times while I watch I will scream out my comments so that I can be there. It was so tonight, and I was firmly told to stop. The first time I did it, I tried to hold my piece. However the second time I had to laugh and he didn’t like it. So I gave up, I grabbed the dirty dinner plates, threw them away and retreated to the sanctuary of my bedroom. My bedroom is a constant where I abide in blissful ignorance of the TV, news, and outside goings on. So now I’m frustrated because I put in an obvious effort to gain some time with him and was dismissed. I even put in a hint to possible intimacy latter on, with some casual flirting earlier in the evening. Now I find myself totally turned off. He will no doubt never realize the hurt he administered and will eagerly come to bed with intimacy on his mind. Maybe I will take some pain meds just to be asleep before he retires for bed. I just don’t feel like explaining to him that he turned me off, when he shut me out.

Pain I hate it

Pain I hate it.

Pain is so not cool. I have been sweating with it at about a 10 all over since about 930 pm AST. I’m sure my [pain threshold is gone and along with it my sanity. I feel as if someone dumped icy hot on me, made me sweaty, sticky and stuck sledgehammers on my joints at persistent rhythm. My poor husband has had to listen to me literally moan for an hour in which it had become quite unbearable. I sit here typing in grotesque amounts of pain because “at least” I said to myself “if I’m in this much pain mine as well be constructive.” So here I am.

I’m reading a fascinating yarn right now called The Naming by one Alison Croggon. She is a very detailed and spirited and writes in the lean of J.R.R.Tolkiein with a hint more of historical fact and more whimsial action. I picked it up because I have exhausted my stash of re-readables and my preferred authors are in between works. I prefer fantasy pieces on any stage. Although I will devour thee odd Sci-Fi, Biography, Romance or Mystery if it can keep my constantly running imaginative mind engaged.

Okay I’m getting to a nasty dizzy/on fire feeling spell again and must desist. But at least I could verbalize my anguish without waking the base or my family.

I'm sure I'm not sane...

You know we all have the point in our lives when we know our string is about to break and we are at wits end. Well… my string broke. No fraying, no tearing. No the fibers have definitely been severed from their original components. Now I’m just trying to figure out what the requirements are for having someone locked up. I feel so strange, food doesn’t taste right, and life seems kind of well over. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. And what may you ask brought me to such a happy conclusion? Well 2 things actually 1. I took my second ambulance ride, and it was so NOT fun. 2. I realized I’m in a one-way marriage.

Lets start with number one. Basically my Fibro lost its mind and the pain paralyzed me. All my muscles locked up, and I felt like someone had set all my nerves on fire. The pain was so intense that when the paramedics asked me on the pain scale 1 to 10 where my pain was. I said 20, LOL. It wasn’t funny then and I was so alone, really. I had to call my neighbors to call the ambulance. Which was not my first choice but she couldn’t move me, at least not without me screaming. Which takes us to number 2.

The husband was nowhere to be found. He had left the house a couple hours earlier and left his cell in his car. So he stayed out all night never calling to check on me. Let me say I was at a 10 when he left the house, which he knew; and he left the house anyway. So he came back at 6 in the morning and the ambulance thing and our kids seeing me get into an ambulance was like no big thing for him. So I’m no big thing anything more, he hasn’t even tried to make it up to me. He’s said sorry once, maybe twice with any kind of feeling. I don’t know I think I’d never feel like I could say I was sorry enough. Okay the hands have decreed that I stop typing so I will. Of course there is more to this saga but my hands are like not today maybe tomorrow.

Dont Settle

Don’t settle, never settle. My whole life I’ve always settled. I was under the misguided belief that I had to make everyone else happy. I never considered my happiness, my future. Now I have none. I was once a beautiful women, I had the world before me. I could have been anything and I blew it. Why? I actually thought love was enough; I thought that one man was the only man. I never saw any other men as attractive, I never gave anyone else a chance. I was so love struck that I made other men feel as if I was too good for them. In reality they were too good for me. I never even imagined that there could be another person other than my husband. I still feel that there is only one man, my husband. Although it’s because I don’t believe in more than one sexual partner. The thought of another man touching me is revolting. So I basically screwed myself by thinking that his love would be enough to last forever. However it’s not, I’m miserable. I’m alone most of the time, he doesn’t spend quality time with me, and he thinks my happiness is as important as what is for dinner. I’m a possession, a thing, and a prize. I’m sure in his own way he loves me, but his love for me is secondary to his own pleasures. If he has to choose between me and an evening out, he chooses the evening out. He doesn’t care that I’m lonely, sick and in pain. He only cares that I’m not fun, I’m boring and we have nothing in common. I wonder why I’m still here. I realize that I was stupid. I have no career now because I’m ill. I’m a responsible individual so I won’t divorce my husband because it would ruin my children. My children are more important than my own happiness. When my children are grown maybe I’ll get enough balls to leave my inattentive husband. I’ll be lonely, miserable, and old, but I won’t be with someone who doesn’t care. So now I wait until I either die or he does. The old fashioned marriage, till death do us part, in sickness and health, etc, etc. So all you young ladies that know you’re in love don’t let that love consume you. Don’t let it blind you to your own worth. Everyone is worth something. I denied myself my own worth by settling for a man that will never grow up and never love me more than he loves his Camaro.

I posted on his birthday that I was glad he wsa born. I'm still glad he was born, but I wish I hadn't been so snobby. I wish I had given other men a chance, I didn't know that he would make me so miserable. I wanted so much more for my life, and I haven't accomplished it. I didn't know, I grew up I was 19 when I married I was naieve and foolish. I didn't know any better I thought I kne what I wanted. I thought what I wanted was to be Torrey's to be loved by one man. I didn't know that no man can make you happy. Now that I've "grown up" I know that the only person that can make me happy is me. I failed myself, but I won't fail my children, and I won't fail Torrey. I've given him and my children all my love I have none left to give myself. I don't even know if I had love left if I would love myself. I am ashamed of myself I didn't do what was right for myself because I was snobby and I have screwed up ideals. I'm responsibe and I know what is right, but no one ever said right was happy.

Heroes

This post is in reply to my kid-sister’s blog post found at the below link.

My Sister's Blog for March 13th, 2006



A very appropriate answer my dear sister. If I had attempted to answer this I would have defiantly had a different answer, but only because of life circumstance at this moment. With my friend dying in Iraq, he is one of my Heroes. With my husband being awarded a purple heart for wounds received in Daharan, he is one of my Hero's. With my children having to cope with having their mother being ill at a time in the life when they need a well mother, they are two of my Hero's. With my brother following his dreams even when he get's frustrated, he is one of my Hero's. With my parent’s surving a tumulus marriage, they are two of my Hero's. With my husband's parents being some of the best and non-interfering IL's EVER, they are two of my Hero's. And you my sister, for having the courage to stand up for your faith, to not look back on your mistakes and to recognize God's greatest gift, you are one of my Hero's. And then Jesus who without His sacrifice I would have no Hero's. For God is the author of all, and it goes without saying that He is my Hero,THE Hero, and the underlying reason for all the others.

Today- 12 March 06

Today

Today is my husband’s 31st birthday. He is not a birthday person so…no party, no card, no cake. But I wanted to acknowledge somewhere, somehow that he was born today. It’s important to me, even if it isn’t to him. If he had not been born my life would have been so different. I am so glad that he was born today, that I couldn’t even fathom my life without him.
My husband Torrey Shondell was born March 12th, 1975 to Sylvia and a man who we don’t acknowledge accept to say that he donated sperm. Now I’m glad he donated his sperm but that is probably one of the few things of great note in that man’s life. My husband was born in Toledo, Ohio. His mother divorced the sperm donor and they moved to Columbus, Ohio. Here his mother met and married my husbands’ true father Jonathan Hardy when Torrey was 3. His family stayed in Columbus and he grew up there, where I later met him at a performance in 1993. We were both participating in a collaborative performance between the High School Dance Department and the Career Center Instrumental Music Department. We were both well know in both departments but had never heard of or seen the other. Our mutual friends thought this was rather funny and conspired for us to meet. It worked and from the moment he said hello I was his. The rest they say is history. We married in the summer of 1995 and have been together ever since.
My husband has been the driving force in my life since that first hello. He has always pushed me to be my best even when I doubted myself. He has literally kept me alive through some of my worst trials. I must say that this man’s birth changed my life. To God I am forever grateful for forming this man in your mind to be the companion you knew I would NEED.

Im just trying to figure out what happened...

I’m just trying to figure out what happened.

I was in pain, but I’m always in pain. Today though it was different. I went to get groceries it was supposed to be straightforward. I got up, took a shower, put clothes on, made a list, and drove to the store. Now the commissary had been closed for 2 days, store reset. They turned my frequented shopping place into a fibromites hell. I had to search for everything. It took me like an hour to get maybe 20 items, it was excruciating. I returned home feeling like I had swam a mile, ran three, and hiked a mountain. I still have yet to recover from my outing. And yet as I type my day failed to get better, my playmate for my daughter was canceled. My mother called an told me my Great Aunt is again in the hospital, and my sister is having a surgical procedure tomorrow that I would prefer I was home to be there for her. My bf here got great news too; her FIL has 6 months to a year to live. How come I missed all this? I went to the store, and while I exhausted myself, the world turned upside down. Where was I, what was I thinking? My hands shake from the exertion of typing this and my husband works, and my children play and I slowly lose my grasp on what….? Life, time, thought, joy, anything and everything I can think of. I am so confused, and guess what I’m still in pain.

Alone Defined

Alone- Defined- Webster’s

1. Being apart from others; solitary.


2. Being without anyone or anything else; only.


3. Considered separately from all others of the same class.


4. Being without equal; unique.

Being apart from others…. I believe this is where I am right now. Always apart from other’s, I have no physical friends. I don’t even have a husband most of the time. My husband does his own thing regardless of whether it’s hurtful or not. Right now he’s out with his Saturday night buddies. Fridays are supposed to be my evening, and well he took me to watch him play his horn. Normally I would have enjoyed it but well being ill has really cut me off. I was by myself the whole time while he played. It was our night to spend time together and I was still alone. In a smoky nightclub basically listening to the radio while I read a book in the dim smoky light.

Husband Defined: Webster’s

A man joined to a woman in marriage; a male spouse.

However he fits the bill very accurately here. Yet I will always wonder if I could have done better by myself. Considering that I spend most of my time in the fore mentioned state. I want to know why I of all people have suddenly found myself in this quandary. I have not, I thought done anything horribly wrong. I haven’t disguised myself as something I’m not. I am me, although I am very unsure of who that is anymore. I do know that I’m quite lost and uncertain. I’m afraid that I’ve miss-stepped somewhere and have no way of correcting the problem. I can think of a million reasons why I couldn’t be me. And only one reason that I could be me, it’s still my face. Even if it’s not my body, or my feelings, my thoughts or my time.

I’m really quite confused, my husband just came back. I had wished he would but I never even dreamed he would. I was about to politely put my munchkins in bed and knock myself out with drugs so I wouldn’t feel any pain. So the pain would get lost in the incoherency of mind-numbing chaos. So now I get a little reprieve from my senses and maybe I’ll go to sleep happy tonight.

What is going on in the life of DTB

What is going on in the life of the DTB. Well I’m just trying to survive right now. It’s a daunting process, I would be a lot happier if I could just get well. Now I’m not saying staying home with my daughter is bad, but it sure is boring. More to come….