Well......

My life fell apart about 3 months ago and I stopped writing in here because it seemed to be the cause when it happened. However it really wasn't. He was just using it as an excuse for his disreputable behavior.

Basically the whole time I've had this blog my husband has been cheating on me. All the times I wrote on here how lonely I was and how I felt so alone in this, I really was. He's had at least 3 steady gf's since I've been sick. And who knows how many one night stands and what have you.

How do I feel... well for a minute I really felt used. Then I was pissed, then I was horrified, then I was sad. Now I'm just here. Everything in my life was a lie except for my children. Actually my children were the only thing that I think kept me alive. I actually lost my mind and he didn't care. Amazingly I thought I was hallucinating that he didn't care. HA! I should have listened to my gut and he had me thinking I was just paranoid.

Now I guess you could say I've reformed my way of thinking... I am no longer concerned with everyone elses well being. I come first! Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way.

Amazingly enough after I threatened to leave and take the kids. Which was after he told me " I'm not in love with you anymore, I still love you though..." That I was like well there's no reason for me to be here. So I started planning and I started taking charge of my life. He had no say about anything anymore and it was then that he realized that I wasn't so bad a wife after all.

So now we are in counseling and it's interesting. Some days I love him and some days I wonder why the HELL I'm still staying with this man. I've been reading several books on affair recovery and they've been instrumental in me not ending up in a mental health ward again. However I'm still not sure if what I'm doing is right.

I want to be with him I just don't know if now that I'm starting to find myself again. That maybe I've out grown him. If realizing that I really don't have to live like this has made me realize that I deserve more than what he is offering.

I have given this man 16 years of my life and he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he was so unhappy and scared of my health issues that he had to find someone who was "just normal". I know that I will never be "just normal" again and I wonder if he can handle that. I need someone who will love me despite my health issues. I deserve that.

So now I go up and down and the books say it will take me as long to process and "get over" this as it took for him to get into all his affairs. How do I survive another 3.5 years of this? Wasn't the first time enough?

Before I add this last post...

I have to add my journal entry for the last few months. So things are going to seem a little random but bear with me.

The Healing Process

It's getting better. I know this healing process is not going to be easy or quick. I know that I am on a hard and arduous journey. Even with the task so long and difficult before me I am starting to feel a little normal. I have moments of disorientation. These moments are less and less though.

It's only been 25 days and it feels like each day has been a week. each day I have struggled to live through the flashbacks, the overwhelming sense of terror. The shame of what has happened. I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that my husband had sex with other women. he is no longer all mine.

I was sharing him and I didn't even know I was. Should I attempt to find a lover so I don't feel as if I "missed" out on my own sexual exploration. Also, WHY am I okay with the fact that he has shared himself with other women?

Well maybe, it's not so much that it is okay, it's just that I kind of envy him. I've always wondered what it would be like to be with other men. I just didn't want to betray Torrey. Now it isn't about betraying Torrey. Should I cheat? Just to see what it's like.

What have I been missing? It's not that I'm dis-satisfied with Torrey, sexually. I guess I'm just curious. Is there something wrong with me being curious? Now that Torrey's paying attention to me, I'm no lonely anymore. However I kind of wonder if I could even attract another man. I don't even know if I would be able to.

Agg! All of this makes me wonder if I'm even any good in bed? What do I lack that makes T want to go somewhere else? I hope that Torrey can me feel sexy, sexual and beautiful again. I don't think I remember how to make myself feel it.

Do-Over

Today we had our first marriage counseling session. It went extremely well. it hurt to hear Torrey talk so casually about his affairs. However our Psychologist Dr. Treegoob was courteous and supportive. He said it is VERY rare for a woman to forgive her spouse enough to commit to renewing the marriage.

He explained to Torrey that he had a marital "re-do, meaning that we can start over and make out marriage stronger. Hearing him praise us for wanting to stay together and make this work. Well it made me want to work all the harder to restore and strengthen our marriage.

Now that we for thought the first we just need to push forward.

The ex-gf called again today. She said that she is waiting patiently for Torrey to prove or disprove his paternity for her child. She says she's called in a favor to a Doctor that she used to work for in Cali. She is either going to have an abortion on Sunday of she's going to have it on the 6th. Hopefully this means her contact with us is over and she's out of our lives for good.

Shocked Stupid

I talked to T's ex-gf today, she says she is pregnant. She believes the child is T's I am totally stupefied.

What was strange about the conversation was that God wouldn't let me cuss her out. He used me to show her that we were both deceived. I began by telling her that T really is a good man, he has just made some poor choices. It was surreal.

I couldn't believe that I was being nice to the lover of my husband. She took my place in his life for over 3 months and I was abandoned and neglected. I can only say that I really feel that T screwed up her life , well all of our lives, royally. Now we ALL have to pick up the pieces.

Ruminations may cause sleeplessness

I've been taking sleeping pills almost every night just so I can sleep. Not to mention my pain level is probably the highest it's been since we moved to AZ. I can't begin to explain every emotion, I can't explain why I can't sleep. I have friends I can talk to, I have family. Yet all I can think about is how embarrassed I am. How stupid and foolish this man has made me look.

I don't want to tell anyone what a fool I've been. I don't want anyone to know that I saw the signs, heard the whispered conversations, intercepted text messages. There were too many lies, too many explanations, and I was always right. Yet he made me feel like I was a suspicious shrew. I had every right to be though, didn't I? Why did I not heed my own gut feelings? I guess I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to believe that my husband was all mine. Guess I was right? Yet how could I be so right and so wrong at the same time?

Rightfully concerned

I'm concerned. I'm afraid that my husband is luring me into a false sense of trust. I really do believe that he is sorry for being such an a**hole. I think thought that it would be easier to believe in his sincerity if he wasn't trying so hard.

I've believed his lies for so long that I'm extremely wary of further deceit. It all comes rushing back to this trust issue. As much as he thinks I didn't trust him. ( I know now it was because he didn't deserve it) I truly did and he made me look like a fool. He made us all look like fools. I don't know who I should feel sorrier for, myself or all his exes. Exes, that still blows me away. My husband had girlfriends for a good part of our marriage. what was I waiting around for?

As I read all the self-help books they stress the importance of coming clean. Of how talking about the gruesome details, getting past the affairs detail will help you heal. What I don't understand is how talking about my husbands ability to frequently AND with out remorse be dishonest AND disrespectful to our marriage, me. How could that possibly help me/us heal. It's like saying that pouring salt into a wound will make it feel better. Although now that I think about it. it's probably more like pouring alcohol on a wound. it's going to hurt like HELL but it will also clean and prevent infection. At least I hope that's what it means.

Stuck with my thoughts

Haven't done much thinking today, which is a good thing. I'll have to say something for T, he really is trying to keep me happy. He made dinner tonight and didn't once complain about having to do so. He's also seeing me for the first time in a long time. I have to wonder if it's the Love Dare Book or is he really seeing me.

The more I wonder about our future together, the more certain I am that we may actually get through this horribleness. I have moments of misery followed by moments of euphoria. where do I draw the mine on my ability to judge the situation? How do I justify my willingness to trust a man who doesn't deserve what I offer? I am so confused!

I want to trust him. he's my husband but I can't or won't because I'm terrified. Who wouldn't be? I shouldn't, should I? Gee Mo Peep my life has never been straight forward has it.

Interesting Outing

Torrey and I went out this evening. Our first evening out in about 8 months. We were easier, with each other than we have been in years. however the pall of our marital problems hung over the entire evening. the movie we went to see- Not Easily Broken was excellent. It was just what we needed to hear.

Dinner before was delicious and relaxed. I missed just being able to talk and enjoy his company. After the movie we went to The Buzz, a nightclub. It started off very slow, but by the time we left it was quite lively. I however felt very old, everyone looked to be about 20. It was very disconcerting. All in all though a wonderful night.

My feelings for this evening were mixed. I'm still having a hard time with comparisons. I am now trying to figure out if the songs I thought were for me, were for me. I mean were they really for me? Or were they meant for one of his girlfriends. I'm afraid to ask. I love some of those songs and I don't want to taint my perceptions of them. I also don't want to stir up old memories for him. Memories of those past gf's that night jeopardize our reconciliation. What am I to do?

Truly Amazing

Today something truly amazing happened. For the first time in about eight, maybe nine years I saw Candace. It was beyond strange. I was walking with Tatyanna and saw this beautiful plus sized woman.

I thought to myself, what a beautiful full figured woman. Then I bemusedly realized that it was me, but not because I recognized myself. But because I recognized my daughter. It was such a pleasant surprise to realize that I had finally regained some of my self respect. Especially if I thought I was beautiful.

Upside down

So my life is so upside down. Everything I have believed in for the last 10 years has been nothing but lies. I don't even know what was truth and what wasn't. Did T ever tell me the truth? Was anything he ever said to me real? Has he ever respected me to tell me an ounce of truth? I feel like such a fool. I've based my whole being on a man who has been lying to me for over 10 years.

Are the things he has told me about his past even truth? What do I believe? What should I believe? Can I ever believe anything he ever says again? Is trying even worth it if he is just going to continue to lie to me?

My heart aches and my feelings are raw. I'm scared, tired, anxious, worried, and confused. What should I be feeling? What am I feeling? I s there something wrong with me. that I'm NOT tearing him limb from limb? He has gone way beyond betraying my trust. He has neglected me, belittle me, disrespected me. I have given him everything and he has given me this hell! How can I forgive what he has done? He has made my life seem so meaningless and foolish. How could I have been so blind? How could I have let my husband treat me so poorly? So many questions and not an answer in sight. How do I even go about finding the answers? Do I even want them? How did I get here? How do I get out?