Tuesday 10- 10 things about Halloween

1. We don't celebrate it, however I have nothing against those who do, religious preference
2. Have never celebrated it, my Dad thought it was too unsafe in the world to let us trick or treat
3. Did dress up @ school when I was little, parents did allow that.
4. I actually miss the dressing up part.
5. They also let us pass out candy, or at least had a big bowl for us to munch
6. I sometimes feel bad for my kids that they don't dress up.
7. I let them pass out candy the year, they're Dad was in Japan- SHHH
8. I ws thinking about letting them do it this year, and putting scriptures on the treats.
9. I am taping the Great Pumpkin, it's a childhood thing. Everybody has to watch the Great Pumpkin, it's as American as Apple Pie
10. If I could dress up, I'd go as a book worm,

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So we are in the new house

So he we are... yes in Arizona, living in a house that is the size of a pea. The house as I told my brother is Alaska nice...as far a military houses go, that's great. However it is Florida small... as in before we had 2 kids and enough stuff to fill the moon. I want my old square footage back. I want my old colorful walls and I want my sewing room in order this house needs serious style renovations.

All in all however the neighbors are friendly, the weather is wonderful and well it's peaceful here. A different kind of tranquility from AK. Here it is hot and gorgeous instead of being frigid and gorgeous. I still have mountains too, sort of, more like large brown porous ant hills, LOL. I'm learning to be highway savvy as well. So it's a good thing I had lots of practice when I was home in Ohio. It has so paid off! I'm also enjoying the variety of places to shop, and I hate shopping so that says a lot. I guess I like being able to choose to shop, instead of being limited to ordering from the internet.

The only thing truly missing from this new chapter, is a new job. Yes I said it..I'm going to rejoin the working mom force. I really have no choice, and thinks to the beautiful weather and dry climate hopefully my fibromite body will not detest me.

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So we've been in Arizona 3 weeks

We've been Arizona for almost 4 weeks now and I think I'm gonna like it here. Obviously it''s a big change from Alaska. So even though it's hotter than all get out, it's so much more developed. There's stuff to do and see everywhere. Around every corner is a strip mall, with a grocery store, Walmart, etc. You can literally go in any direction from the base and find something to do.

We have been living in TLF (Temporary Lodging Facility) and I'm so ready to be out of there. I have as you well know been living out a suitcase since MAY! So I'm ready for a permanent place to live and all mys things. The good news on that front is that it will actually happen soon. We move into our base house on Wednesday of next week. I'm really hoping the weekend just flies by.

So I'm roasting like a chile on a grill, but I'm learning to love every minute of it. Hopefully this new place truly finds a spot in my heart.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.....

I have left home (OHIO) and have flown back to my family. We are currently in San Antonio, Texas at my husband's parents. I am of mixed feelings about this. I know that I want to be here, I love my family. We'll see, this is just the beginning of a whole new thing.

My new passion

I've discovered a new passion.......billiards. I love playing pool! I wasn't ever really interested in it before, it just looked too hard. Then I came home and watched my pregnant sister play and she's really good. I was like if she can do it pg, I can do it with Fibro. Well...... I didn't start off as the best player but I'm getting better. I can make about 60% of my shots now instead of 5%. It's taken a LOT of practice, sore hands, and sore arms. Ive been pratcing at least once a week. I'd like to shoot more often, everyday if I could, LOL. However it has a lot to do with having someone to shoot against. I'm going to keep doing what I can though, I beat Heather the other day soooo....

I've decided that I'm going to get my Sissy a pool stick for Christmas for inspiring me to try something new. I think everyone needs to try new things every once in awhile. It keeps life interesting, welcomes new ideas, and fires dormant passions. Life has been so tough for me lately and having a new thing has helped to break out of this life of almost hermit-ship. It's like I've been rejuvenated. It's not all pool, not in the least. However I'd like to think that billiards has given me a different focus. Something to "shoot" for outside of myself.

What's going on

I'm confused and I'm lonely, my patience is stretched thin like parchment. My soul is dry and withered and my heart has less beats.

I haven't been held in so long I think I've forgotten what it feels like. I've been in a different state from my husband for a little over two months. And still by the time I see him again it will be over 3, almost 3 and a half. He hasn't really held me, or talked to me, or paid much attention to me at all in the last two years. Well since I've been sick, since they told me I have Fibro. I don't think that he realizes how lonely I am, how much his neglect has affected me, our relationship.

There's a person who makes me feel beautiful, wonderful, and has spent time with me in these months that I've become enamored with. I'm scared, I'm scared of my feelings. I'm scared because I love my husband and yet I'm so lonely and neglected that I almost don't care.

I rummage between thoughts of being with my husband again and being held by this person. I think of my husband and sigh and wonder if to return to him is to return to loneliness. I think of this person and laugh scrutinizing my thoughts. Why am I thinking these things when they gave up on me years ago. Where is my perspective.

I've been in this relationship with my husband for my entire adult life. I've never known another man's love, never experience the feel of another man against my skin. I haven't even kissed or danced with another man since I met my husband. Did I miss out? Did I deny myself the right to choice? Have I lost all my perspective concentrating solely on making a home for this one man.

I'm lonely and confused, thoughts drifing in the wind. My soul shrunken like a lightening blasted tree. My heart, .....it has finally stopped beating.

Marinating, Healing, and Living Again

Since I've been home life has been interesting. I have felt better than I have in the last 2 years. I truly think the weather here has truly been a God-send. Having family around and friends I haven't seen in awhile has definitely helped my spirits. It's been so long that I have felt healthy, appreciated and worthy of love that it has been so beneficial.

We now have orders to Phoenix, AZ, and have a tentative report date of 21 Aug. I'm not sure if we will make that date but at least we have a base. I'm excited about the new base and am eagerly awaiting the warmer weather in contrast to Alaska. I have a good feeling about the climate and atmosphere and am hoping to heal enough to return to work. That we be a wonderful development, and a big help to my family financially. Unfortunate today is crash day and I'm starting to feel the effects of using my hands while they hurt. It is however my first crash in OVER a month so I guess I shouldn't complain. I will hopefully be able to post more later in the week. Now that things are beginning to slow down, and become more routine. The kids will be going to San Antonio to their other grandparents for the remainder of the space between AK, and AZ moves. They will however be starting school late, as school starts on Aug 6th there. So I guess I'm done... for now.

So I'm going back in time on Friday night

I graduated June 9th, 1994 from Fort Hayes Metropolitan Education Center. I was semi-popular, a dancer, smart, and spoke at my graduation. So on Friday I am going to meet some of those old classmates for the evening, to catch up. I haven't seen most of these people for 10+ years. I've gained 120+lbs, gotten married, and had 2 children. Amazingly enough one of my ex's is going to be there and that is going to be decidedly weird. I am truly excited however, these were the people I shared everything, and everyday w/ for 4 years. Still I'm nervous too, I don't feel like I've accomplished as much as I would have liked. I fell I'm by no means a failure, I just think like my life has been, well boring. Ahh, but what can I say, I'm alive.. and mostly happy. What else is there but to be rich. And from what I hear that's not all it's cracked up to be.

Home

Being home is like being inside your memories. I've traveled to old playgrounds, peered at my old family homes, and embraced childhood friends. It's a most interesting experience. I've been home for almost three weeks now, Heather's wedding was a immense success. I feel so privileged to have shared her special day. Not to mention I didn't do to shabby on the Brother In Law area either. Leonard is wonderful and wonderful for my sister.

Life has not been all bridesmaids dress' and cake however. I have unfortunately been w/o some of my medications for a couple of days. It's been rather heart wrenching to live through. My medicine has been re-ordered but there were some computer slip-ups at thee hospital in Alaska and since I'm in Ohio.... it will be several days till I am completely relieved of my extreme discomfort. My sissy has so graciously invited me to mass tomorrow, so I will not be typing for to much longer because it's a early one.

So I just popped in an I'm now popping out...POOF!

So much going on

I'm not going to have time to write a lot. I wrote a substantial bit and lost it. Don't you hate when that happens, AGG! I am going to steal my post from another board so I won't have type as much. I will say that Alaska has been an experience and one I don't wish to repeat. I had sais some stuff about how much has happened here and that it seems like it's been longer than four years. I am heartbroken to leave the friends that we have made here. But Alaska, with it's non-ending winter, it's lack of anything to do, and no Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Victoria Secrets, Bath and Bodyworks or anythin absolutely necessary for survival. No I can't say that I will miss it, even if it is "unspoiled" and beautiful for 2.5 months of the year.

The Post stolen from the THBC

I finished my Grandmother's blanket weeks ago but forgot to post it. I also finished Taty's dress for the wedding Monday night, as well as the ring bearers pillow last weekend. Taty had a zoo trip last week as well as a barbecue on Monday which I forgot to bring my camera too. So much going on I'm surprised I'm still sane. I took a rest day yesterday but today I'm going to work on the going away gifts for the kids teachers, new hall passes (quilted). Marcel has a bowling trip tomorrow and then the kids spend the night at their bf's houses for the last time Friday night. Saturday I take the girl bf's to get their nails done, then Taty gets her hair braided that evening. Sunday is the dinner with their class mates at one of the local restaurants. Monday after that is the Kenny G concert. In which T and Marcel will go to, then T will drop Marcel off at the airport. So we can catch the red-eye to Ohio @ 1230 am Tuesday morning.

So if any of you want to fly to the AK before we are out of here to give me hand, I'll take it!

Here's the pics

The Mommy's Late Tuesday Ten- 10 things in my Grocery Cart

10 Things in My Grocery Cart

1. Juice- we drink ALOT of juice. The kids old daycare provider was always calling us juice heads

2. Something quick- like skillet sensations, rotisserie chicken, etc. I can't cook well anymore, so the simpler the better.

3. Chocolate

4. Chocolate Chip Caramel Cookies by Peperidge Farms

5. Taty's snack- usually fruit roll ups, granola bars

6. Marcel's snack- oatmeal cream pies (right now)

7. Yogurt- Dannon Peach

8. Fresh vegetables if we are out

9. Fresh fruit again if we are out

10. Medicine- we are always picking up Children's Tylenol or Motrin, or something

Tuesday Ten

Ten things I think about while I'm driving

1- Where am I driving to?

2- How much time do I have to get there? I'm usually running at least 10 minutes behind.

3- That I need to change the radio station or put on a CD. This is because T and I both drive the van and we don't listen to the same kinds of music. 8x of 10 I need to do within 5 minutes so I don't either go deaf or dumb.

4- If I'm getting the kids, are they going to need snackage when I get a hold of them.

5- Where do I need to be after I get to where I'm going?

6- How much time do I have to do what I need to do?

7- I go over any lists that I have made- to do, grocery, shopping, etc.

8- I give the kids directions for when we get where ever we are going, like this- "When we get inside Marcel, you will go get such and such, Taty you need to keep a look out for this and that."

9- Do I need to get the car to Torrey at some point? Or do I need to pick him up from work.

10- Now where did I put my cell? If it rings I need to have had my ear piece in and I almost always forget to do it when I get in the car.

This is one of those trying times

I don't know why but I've really been putting off writing this post. I guess it's kind of like if I lay my soul bare here, it's all over. So here it goes...

We are NOT going to England... ----

I know this is all I've been talking about for months and now this happens. However the military is the military and they have brought forth a decree.

They have denied our clearance yet again. Stating that I am too "unstable" for overseas travel. Can you believe that? That being the case I don't think that many of the worlds population could or should be considered stable. And just who decides my stability anyway? I am just pissed that some doctor that has NEVER met me can decide my stability. For those of you who KNOW me, it is without a doubt that right now is the most "stable" I have ever been. So whatever....

As of right now we are being processed into a special military category for family members with "special needs". It is called the Exceptional Family Members Program. They match you with bases that can offer services to meet the families requirements. For me, according to my therapist that is a big fat NOTHING. For Taty she just "needs" a pediatric dentist and apparently they don't have any of those in the UK. I can only assume that they do, and just don't want to have to deal with finding or payingfor one.

The Lord only knows how long this new assignment process is going to take. He's also the only one who can explain to me why life SO sucks right now. However I am convinced that His plans are way better that any I could come up with. I'm also sure that He knows what He's doing. He did do it all ya know, the world and everything. He has obviously got it down by now. I just wish he would give us "mere" mortals a heads up once in a while. It is ever so nice to know when your world is about to come crashing down around your ears.

So now I am up to those ears in stuff for my kid-sis' wedding, pre-PCS junk, as well as a thousand and one "leaving the AK forever" projects. We will be flying home for the wedding and a much needed vacation, the third week in May. I'm hoping that being home with my family helps me regain some of my lost Zing! A great side effect to this would be for the military to get their idiot rears in gear and get us a compatible assignment.

Can we get any more complicated

As if I'm not already bothered by my well being and how my physical conditions affect my family now my mind is coming back to haunt me.

In December of 2006 I spent about 6 days in a Mental Ward. It was a very mild visit, more like a mini vacation. I had had a mental collapse. I was so wrecked, I couldn't figure out who I was. It was very quiet and I really think it was the best thing I ever did for my self. I knew I needed help and that I was overwhelmed. I knew Torrey (my dh) couldn't help me, so I did what I thought was right. I learned a lot about the way I think and why. I learned how to change my thought patterns and to stop making every ant hill, into a mountain.

Now we are facing the possibility that we won't be able to go to England. The doctor's in England believe that I am still un-stable. My therapist here thinks otherwise and has very wonderfully written a very detailed letter to that effect. We spent the afternoon, T and I, running back and forth between my therapist office and the base hospital. So now we wait and see what the England doc's think of my therapist's letter.

She was great, she really is in our corner and it has been wonderful working with her. She's helped me see that just become I'm disabled it doesn't mean I'm useless or incapable of great things. I've just had to find new ways to be creative. I can't dance anymore but I can crochet, I can't do Histology but I can quilt. I'm even going to trying writing some children's books. Who knows?

I am trying to be very optimistic. I'm looking at the whole picture, putting a lot faith into my therapist ideas of me and that the England Base Hospital docs can see past my past and give us a chance to explore the world.

And once again....

So T, my husband, has re-submitted our medical clerance paperwork. Now we play the waiting game again. I hope and pray it does not take another month to get the stuff back. There is so much stuff we have to finish doing. All of which we CAN NOT do without our hard copies (final copies of our orders).

On a better note I have most of my grandmother's afghan finished. I will be sure to post a picture of it when it's complete. Marcel has been helping me with some of the piecing and embroidery. I've had to take quite a few breaks but it's mainly because of the fibro. I can only work on it when my back and hands are "happy". The good thing is that it's mostly piecing and embroidery, with a few squares left to complete.

Finally a treat for those of you that I don't know who possibly read my blog. I have new school pics of my kiddos.
Marcel-10

Tatyanna- 6

And the two of them

Can you believe it? One my kids are HUGE and second these are school pictures! School pictures.... why couldn't have my school pics have looked like these.

The Things I Keep Putting Off- THBC Post #1

Well let's see....

10. Moving all my books off the window sill.

9. Helping the kids clean the hamster cages.

8. Drinking more water.

7. Finishing Taty's dress for my sister's wedding and all the other projects I need to finish before the move. Not entirely my fault.... my work space is a disaster. Torrey moved everything to paint and has not replaced it.

6. Exercising again not my fault. You can't exercise when you can't get out of bed.

5. Cleaning my room.... again. That is forever a put off.

4. Planning the kids last big get together with their bf's.

3. Cleaning the bathrooms, OMG they are horrendous!

2. Getting out of the house at least once a day. Again not ALWAYS my fault, car time is at a premium and I'm not walking with the moose running around.

1. Making sure I get enough rest every night and not worrying about the move.

I'm sure there's more I procrastinate until I have no choice...

Getting a little antsy

Okay I'm starting to get a little antsy. My count down says something like 20-something days. However we still are very order-less. Torrey put in for a 2 month extension but we have to continue as if we leave the base on the 11th. So as of right now I am of 2 minds. In the first scenario we get our orders no extension and rush around like mad to get off this base by the 11th of May. Second scenario we get our extension and I rush around like mad to get everything ready for Torrey to leave the base mid June. Either way I'm going to be rushing. I just get about 10 more days with the second scenario. Either way me and the kiddos will be leaving in May. I'm excited but a little apprehensive as well. See I can't seem to shake this feeling of dread that I won't get everything done in time. I'm not sure what to pray for the extension or just to get out of here without to many more problems.

Okay so I'm really starting to have some issues with these military people. As if I never was one... anyway our medical clearances are STILL not back, which means still NO orders. It look like it's going to come down to putting in another extention. And that's IF they let us have one! I'm getting very frustrated T's stressed and now his knee is out. There is soooo much stuff to do until they get us out of here it's not even close to funny. The only thing I keep telling my self is that AK is almost out of my system and my kid-sisters wedding is coming up. Which is another thing I have about a million craft things to do before we leave and my craft area is a shambles from painting in there. Okay BREATHE!....... never mind, whatever!

Interestingly Enough

I was sitting here trying to get ready for bed, and I became preoccupied. I got lost in my thoughts about tomorrow. I'm having a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow. They are trying to find out if I'm going into premature menopause, Now I'm kind of okay with that, I'm done procreating, no more children from this oven. It's just that I'm worried about the procedure and procedure's usually don't bother me. For some reason, I'm pre-occupied with the thought that it's more than that. Like I need anything else to be wrong with me, but that just seems like a excuse. Like it's too simple and yet I want it to be that simple. I'm a complete mess.

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Frustration and resentment

Frustration for me is like meaning to be supportive and failing due to my desire for survival. Where am I going with this Well I'm frustrated with my husband who isn't right?But he seems to want everyone else's approval before mine I thought it was if I'm not happy no body's happy. But it's not like that, I'm told that, this is the way it's supposed to be. But it is rarely that way, I always have to compromise, no one else just me. I think I'm ready to be done. I'm tired of sacrificing all the time, and for what. For someone else to tell me how I should "trust" my husband because he's "with" you. Like you are so wonderful that I shouldn't be worried. I'm sorry, but I've been led astray too many times and I'm tired of B.S. I have had enough either what I feel is important or it isn't. Make up your mind hubby, don't let other people make it for you.

note I wrote this in Feb- but got lost in the puter

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Can you imagine?

My house looks soo crazy right now. The living room furniture is all moved to one side like someone swept it there. Plastic covers are over the carpets and paint trays are scattered. Boxes have started appearing and rooms are getting cleared out. I remember this time period with the last move fondly. We didn't have half as much stuff. How did we amass twice as much junk in 4 years? Was it the cold? Did we feel the need to fill the house simply to keep ourselves from freezing. I know my craft stuff is 4x as much due to the loss of my mobility but...... Dang!

All I know is that we are short, weddings and PCS's loom and I feel as if we will never finish in time. Not to mention we still don't have hard copies of our orders. Which means we can't really schedule any of the moving stuff like, packing, picking up med records, and scheduling a final out on the house. If you were to come to our house right now you would say " You are moving to where, when?!" I thought I had ants in my pants to get out of Florida. I must admit this time it's more like hornets.....

My Life is so Crazy

We are getting down to the wire on the England move. My sister is PG and getting married and life is just so out of control. I feel like I'm on a Massive roller coaster and the world is my seat. I have a 1,000 and 1 things to do for the move.

Mostly I have to organize, organize, organize! The great thing about military moves is that the military has people come pack your house for you. All you have to do is have the things you want packed, in the rooms that you want them to be in when you get to your new base. All the boxes are packed according to room. Also you want to have anything you DON'T want packed somewhere else, a separate room or friends house. Then they come and evaluate the house for the amount of boxes they think they'll need, then they pack it and put it on a truck. It takes about 2-3 days but you just watch, I love it. The bad part is how much junk you can collect over the course of 14 years. Our garage is just full of unnecessary objects, but not for long. Torrey is on leave for the next 2 weeks and we are painting and organizing. Our house is going to start looking pretty strange in a minute but it's all good.

Now for Heather...... I am so happy and excited for her. It's so beautiful to finally see her dreams coming to fruition. I'm going to be an Auntie, I'm just so over whelmed! I thought that having a baby myself was great, knowing that your sister is having a baby is just as exciting. Without all the personal discomfort, LOL, sorry sissy. The father to be is a plus too, he is so perfect for my sissy. He has been the most awesome thing that has ever happened to her and I'm glad he's a part of our family. Well Marcel is nagging me to use the computer, he's become a Neopet junkie. I so can't wait until I get my disability I'm buying 2 new computers so this doesn't happen anymore.

Sleep and the bed monster

Sleep still eludes me. It's like the grasping hand that always seems to miss it's mark. I think once I start my body makeover I will sleep better. I always seem to be up really late at night. Right now I usually go to bed around 2-4 am. I read or play on the puter to get sleepy. Nothing works! I'm on sleeping pills but I don't like to take them unless I have a seriously long day ahead of me.

As for the bed monster. Gee I wish I had the money for one of those Sleep Number beds. I think that thing is my ideal bed. Especially with all my health problems. It would be a small piece of heaven to enjoy here. Maybe when we get to England I can start saving money finally to have a couple of little luxuries. We'll see.....

Frustration and resistance

Frustration for me is like meaning to be supportive and failing due to my overwhelming desire for survival. So just where is the crazy woman going with this? Well I'm frustrated with my husband but, who isn't right? Yet it seems he is determine to have everyone else's approval before mine. Although I thought it was "if I'm not happy, nobodies happy." But it's not like that, I'm told that, that is the way it's supposed yo be. But it is rarely that way. I am always compromising. I have been for years, always me and no one else. I think I'm ready to be done with all of this. I feel like I'm used, I'm here for show. Do I even have any real value? Is my only value to take care of "the business end" of the family. Have I no feelings, or needs? I'm so tired of sacrificing all the time, and for what. For someone else to tell me how I should "trust" my husband because he's "with" you. Like you are so wonderful that I shouldn't be worried. I'm sorry, but I've been led astray too many times and I'm tired of B.S. I have had enough. Either what I feel is important or it isn't. Make up your mind hubby, don't let other people make it for you.

Finding Peace

I'm a very peaceful person by nature, however I find little things upset me more. Well they upset me more than they used to. I don't ask for much. Like any mother I want time to myself, happy co-exsistence with the world, and love.

Today plans for a beautiful day fell completely out of my control. It was intended that I have the van today, however my hubby totally forgot about my plans. This is not uncommon with my husband, but he is in the process of redemption and well...it was a strike against him. I was to have a thearpy appointment, go to a local hospital and visit a new baby, grab some lunch and stroll the bookstore. It was to be very thearapeutic, I don't get out of the house much. In fact in the last 2 weeks I have been out of the house about 4 times. So I was looking forward to it. He wanted Chinese. So I missed my appointment, missed the friend w/ the new baby (who consequently missed me), and I had crackers and cheese, pineapple and applesauce for lunch. Very filling, it was such a horrible meal. Feeling quite dejected I decided that it was time for a nap. Later I was awoken by my children coming home from school and now I'm up and still upset. For some reason I can't get past my day that wasn't. I find it increasingly unnerving so of course I had to write about it. Hopefully leaching off some of the poision, will help me get past the day.

I guess now I will work on my menu for the start of body makeover next week. Plus I have some old Star Trek Voyagers to watch, .

So it's like this

First I have like two blogs/journals going right now. But I wanted to divide them up because they are for different purposes. This is my life journal and how I think my other journal is for tracking my weight loss. See I have to lose weight, the doctors keep offering the Gastric bypass. However that is so a no go. I'm sure it works for some people but it's not for the person I rather try something else first. I know I have a lot options and I really don't want to go there. So for now I'm focusing on it my way, we'll see how it works. Here's a blurb from my other journal. http://tqbrowniemom.livejournal.com/2007/01/07/ I'm going to put a link to it on this blog so you can see how I'm doing in other areas of my life.

So a new year

So we are in the start of a new year, and everyone is talking new beginnings. So let's talk new beginnings.

So what are the new beginnings for the DTB for 2007. Well I want to lose weight this year so I've figured out the plan and am almost ready to execute. I am in the beginning phases of our move to England and am truly excited to be going over seas. I am learning more about myself as a person. Just who is this Candace woman? and where has she been for the past 4 to 5 years? If you know please contact Miss DTB @ browniebear94@gci.net with any and all information leading to her whereabouts. She has been AWOL for quite sometime and I'd like to reinstitute her authority in this situation.

So those things being said I'm in for a Doozy of a year. My sanity has already cracked once in the last several months soo we are not looking for a relapse. However if things start to look edgy please be willing to call in the white coats at any time. I was not expecting it but looney bins are quite refreshing, almost vacation like except for the padded walls of course.