What I witnessed today......

Today I got up @ 5am. Got in my van and drove to the polls. I talked politics with my 2 Arizona bf's. One a Republican and one a Democrat. I watched the election from my computer, my living room and my bedroom. And as my 7 y/o daughter and my 12 y/o son fought to stay awake..... I watched the First Black President elected to the United States of America.

To say that I was tearful or overwhelmed would be a gross understatement. As the news was announced and my 7 y/o slumbered next to me. I gently touched her shoulder and told her to look at the TV. As she did, her lil brown eyes opened wide and then a very sleepy and soft "Yes" was all she said.

And that is all I have to say. A very sleepy and quiet "Yes". A Yes that change and history and so many things that I could have only dreamed could happen are now happening. The world is changing and FINALLY our country has made it's first step towards change as well.

As the world tilts.....

My father is ill and it seems to be altering my world perceptions.  I seem to be,lost in this gray fog made of all the points in my life my father has affected.  Needless to say I'm quite surrounded.  You never realize how someone affects your very way of thinking until you may lose them.  I've noticed that smells and sounds are triggering mostly memories of my father.  I'm stuck in this constant round of worry about how long he's going to be around. It's like living in a pit where I can see the way out but I'd rather just stay in the pit.

the world at it's craziest

So the world has gone totally wacky between the financial crisis the presidential election and my life it's been a whorl wind. I ran up to Ohio for a month cuz the family has been in crisis and unfortunately due to the touchy nature of the crisis I can't delve here. Lets just say that it is a mess. I feel as if it was a less than productive journey.

I came back to my own life and it's mess. The dh is still distant and it seems to be all I can do to keep my sanity from his view or non-view of the situation. I am trying to reconcile myself to being home and back in this mess.

On a happier note my children were ecstatic to see me and it made the tension between me and my husband less volatile. They both made honor roll, a mother could not be more content there.

As I settle into life here and some other more daunting tasks I'll keep ya updated.

widget

In Remembrance

Memorial Day Comments
Today is a very sad and special day for me. I usually don't think about this day through out the year. And for the last couple years it has vaguely crossed my mind. However at 2 am today I woke up and realized that today was the day I almost lost my husband. The day of the Khobar Towers bombing, June 25, 1996- 12 years ago, today. Why today of all days that I should remember was beyond me. However if it was enough to wake me out of a sound sleep 9which I get rarely these days) I realized then that I needed to make mention of it.

12 years ago today-

It was 10:30 p.m. (2130 GMT, 1730 EDT) in late June, time for many in the military housing facility at Saudi Arabia's King Abdul Aziz Air Base to turn in for the night, when a suspicious fuel tanker pulled up near the perimeter.

Some immediately sensed danger, but there was little time to respond. A thunderous explosion followed seconds later, as some 5,000 pounds of explosives packed into the truck went off, drilling a crater 35 feet deep and ripping the front off an apartment building.

That act of terrorism cost 19 American lives and injured scores of others, including Saudis and Bangladeshis.

It was the deadliest bombing involving U.S. citizens in the Middle East since the 1983 Beirut attack that killed 241 Americans, and the second time in less than a year in Saudi Arabia that Americans had been targeted.

~excerpt take from CNN Terror In Daharan web page
http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/1996/saudi.special/index.html

I had just flew back in to Eglin from a visit to my family in Ohio. I knew Torrey was due back in a couple days and had coincided my trip plans to give me a couple days to get the house in order. I went to my job as a Histologist in the lab of the Eglin AFB Hospital. I was still a USAF Airman and was almost 7 months pregnant w/ our son Marcel. The day was hot and long. My friend Janella had just given birth to a baby boy a couple days prior. So when I got off I went upstairs to see Tyren K. Johnson for the first time. I spent about 20-25 mins w/ them still be quite tired from my flight back in. I made a quick stop at the BX on my way out, then headed home. Never knowing that the world was falling apart for my husband and that too many of his closet friends were dead.

I arrived home to a dark house and saw that the answering machine was flashing. I put my bags and purse by the door and tackled the messages. The message that rocked my world was from command post on Eglin AFB for Mrs. Torrey Hardy. I immediately called them back and they begin to explain the situation to me. As they spoke, they danced around the issue of what exactly happened. Finally tired of listening to "military dependent crap" I said-"Please, you are talking to A1C Candace Y. Hardy, 96 Medical Support Sq, Eglin AFB, Fl- tell me what is really going on!" the Sgt's answer "Airman Hardy we don't know if Senior Airman Hardy is even alive". The blast was a week to the day of our 1yr anniversary, we hadn't even been married a year. Just as I was beginning to go into a full blown panic attack , my phone beeped. There was a call waiting. I asked the Sgt to hold and clicked over. The next thing I heard was the most blessed sound I have ever heard in my life. The sound of my husband's voice.

The next few moments were flashes really. Torrey told me he was okay and that there was a line to call loved ones but he loved me and he was safe. I clicked back over and told command post that the call was from Senior Airman Hardy and that he was alive and safe. The next moment I heard him call a report to his fellow Airman stating that- Airman first Class C. Hardy confirms that Senior Airman T. Hardy is alive and safe. Those were probably not his exact words, but you get the gist. He thanked me for my time and I hung up the phone, slowly sliding to the carpet as I did so. I put my hands in face and cried.

The next few hours, were a chaos. Calls from family, friends, my commander, the lab, everyone. The wanted to see if Torrey survived the blast because the names of the deceased had not been released. I spent the whole evening on the floor of our tiny apartment retelling the story. You know, I don't even think I ate that night. Climbing into bed and setting the clock I fell wearily into to dreamless sleep. I A1C Hardy, still had to report for duty the next day.

The next week was very strange spent in a haze waiting for news from Torrey and the base. Commiserating w/ other hospital wives whose husband's thankfully had also survived the blast. There were 2 of us in the lab itself. The whole base worked in a haze of confusion, sadness, and awe. And those of us who were also military were just struck dumb that our husbands had been spared. On Friday I stood on the tarmac at Eglin AFB with my friend Janella's husband Derrick waiting for Torrey to disembark. I was cold even though it was late June and scared even though I knew he was fine. He walked slowly to me after he got off the plane. We looked at each other for a long tense moment then he folded me in his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. I could feel his pain, everyone's. It was like the air had been compressed around us and leadened w/ the pain of the whole 58th fighter squadron.

My husband's story was even more remarkable than mine. Maybe one day he will tell it to the world and not just a privileged few. I will say that he missed death by maybe 10 minutes, literally. those of you who have been blessed w/ the story know I speak truly. God was definitely listening to many prayers from my family and his, for Torrey's safety. Blessings know no bounds.

My husband received a purple heart for wounds received in the blast. But I believe his greatest Air Force achievement to date was his ability to continue working admits his anguish. To be tapped for a TDY not a month and half later. In which he went, did his job and came home, sane. To live every day since with the knowledge that hew was spared and his friends were not. That is my husband's legacy from this event. It changed him more than ANY event in our lives since. He went from the loving caring husband I knew to a man that I have almost nothing in common with anymore.

I know all the changes in him stem from this tragic event. Our lives were turned upside down before the birth of our first child. Our 1st anniversary was a joke. I tried to cheer him up, it was useless. We sat on the beach, while I watched him relive those moments in his mind. We lost 19 airman that horrible day and my marriage became all about survival. I know change is unavoidable in a marriage but change blasted into ours before it even had a chance to change on it's own. The man I married was NOT the man that came home from Khobar Towers. And yet I stay knowing that the man I knew and loved never really came back from Daharan.

For more information concerning the Khobars towers bombing in Daharan, Saudi Arabia on June 25, 1996, go to these links.

link to CNN Terror In Daharan web page-
http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/1996/saudi.special/index.html

link the Khobar Towers Memorials- curtesy of http://joshuawoody.com/ http://joshuawoody.com/download/9.PDF

link to the Khobar Towers Memorial Page- http://www.angelfire.com/fl5/united0/Khobar.html

link to the Air Force News 10th anniversary video- http://video.aol.com/video-detail/khobar-towers-rememberance/1476306495

The children left for texas on the 2 of June

what am I going to do fo a month w/o my poogles. I deem to be productive lets see how far I get, lol.

Due to Face-crack and Packrat

When I posted about the Packrat game I DID NOT KNOW that is would take over my life. I have always, constantly and unrelentingly berated my husband, son and brother for playing the Xbox all the time. And now I find myself in my garage, that is NOT air conditioned, w/ 2 FANS on me in 115 degree weather, trading, bargaining, and waiting for cards to come up in the Packrat markets. I have 83+ friends on Facebook that are strictly Packrat buddies. We trade, jibe and watch out for each other's Packs. Helping each other attain FEATS, points, and credits so that we can buy more cards and get more FEATS, points and credits. The cycle is never ending and the cards get more fun, or funny and fun to combine, trade, and vault. I am actually not as addicted as some people who have admitted to losing relationships because of this oh so scintillating game. Therefore I am determined to get back on my blog and write about the things that have inadvertently slipped my mind while it has been engaged in "mortal combat".

I have the most enjoyable game for me on the internet

I happily wandered into Facebook and discovered this marvelous game called Packrat. It has me totally captivated. I am a FIRM believer in reading, playing outside, socializing and being active. However I've finally found the lure of video games. Although Packrat is more of a trading game with some fun twists it is still a game. It is also extremely addicting, I have to set time limits for myself. Which is good because YOU can have to much of a good thing, lol If you have Facebook, you should try it- here's the link and tell the rats to leave me a present, lol

http://www.facebook.com/apps/#/apps/application.php?id=2431403991&b=&ref=pd_r

Went to see the New Chronicles of Narnia Yesterday

It was fantabulous! I first read the books when I was eight. They were a birthday present from godfather, nowadays to be reading Chronicles at eight is not unusual but then it was very rare. I think it took me until the summer to finish them. which is pretty fast for an eight year old, lol Now it takes me roughly a day or 2 maybe three depending on my schedule and life's challenges to finish a book.

I went off on a tangent didn't I...sorry. the movie was everything that I wanted it to be and I will be seeing it as many times this summer as I can afford to. I want to memorize every seen like I did with the first. The biblical truths were so evident, yet they weren't blatant and I can almost guarantee that non-Christians won't even realize that they have been ministered too. Which I believe in some estimation is what C.S. Lewis intended when he wrote the books. He was expressing his love of God to others and the fact that many found God through his books was a very happy side effect.

Okay the weather here is freaky

On Monday my brother and I went to my PT appointment and then to the kids school for the talent Show rehearsal. When we got out the car we took the T-shirts I had made into office because it was pushing 110 outside and I was afraid they would melt. Today it is cloudy- COLD (68) and threatening to storm. I don't know what is going on with AZ weather but this is wierd. I'm all achy and my right ankle will not support my weight it is quite annoying. If any of you can tell me where my warm weather went...I would greatly appreciate it.

I made these with the help of my son

My son and daughter wanted to do the talent show w/ their friends for the end of the school year fling so I choreographed pieces for them and made shirts here are the shirts. They took Marcel and I several hours to complete. We had painted them with puff paint after ironing on transfers for the outlines. Marcel painted his shirt and Rashaia's shirt. I painted the rest, and did all the lettering.

Is there such a thing as MAD busy?

If there is, then I'm it. The last week has been a whirl wind of events. From- the beginning-

Thursday- my dd and one of her Phoenix bf's (she has 2) tried out for the school talent show, and got in. They are both very excited and I am happy to be working with them. In the midst of that a discovered another group of talent ladies to help w/ the talent show, in my son's class. So I am now totally engrossed in choreographing some very simple pieces for their talent show.

Friday- after such an exhausting day it was time to rest. However I didn't get any I spent most of the day and all night working on the two pieces and then editing the songs to both be 2 mins or less. That was challenging, I did it, although it took me till 4 am Sat morning to finish.

Saturday- the afternoon was spent in rehearsals w/ both groups of girls. The little girls, Tatyanna (my dd) and Rhianna(her bf) are called- The Anna's and are doing Hannah Montana's -Who Said. The 5th grade girls- Lexi, Rashaia, Karolyn, and Katelyn are doing the Cupid Shuffle and are named- Cupi Dolls I spent until 3:45 working with the two groups.
the evening was spent w/ my husband at a jazz concert featuring Dominic Amato, Eric Marenthal and Warren Hill. the concert was absolutely Fabulous! Dominic Amato is a newcomer to the jazz seen but gave the performance of an old pro. His youthful style was most entertaining and he was smooth as well as suave. I was honored to be sitting behind his young wife and their 2 children. Whom I later had the pleasure of conversing with, all and all very fruitful and enjoyable evening. After the concert my dh and I went to I-Hop for a LATE dinner and I had the Stuffed French Toast- OMG that was so good....more please.

Sunday- Mother's day!, didn't start off that great...I pushed my self TOO far on Saturday w/ the rehearsal's and paid for it. I took some meds after we got home from I-Hop and the made me a little queasy so I had about 2 hrs sleep. However when I got up @ 8 I had my second wind. The kids having stayed at friends were picked up and we went to church. the service was wonderful and was followed by lunch at the Macaroni Grill. unfortunately it was interrupted by several calls from gig contacts for my dh. they wanted him to come out to a gig where George Benson would be performing. So on my Mother's Day my dh went out to a gig. LOL

Monday- to make up for not spending the evening w/ me my dh made me a nice dinner. Enchilada casserole and rice, which the whole family enjoyed, my dh wants to make it again in the near future.

Tuesday- was yet more rehearsals w/ my groups followed by yet another crash day on Wednesday and we come to today.

Thursday- today I have to run errands, read @ the school, got to Physical Therapy, more rehearsal, pick up dh from work, more rehearsal and then a LONG Nap.

As my baby brother told me last night at least I'm not bored.

Blessed and so very thankful...

I can not even think of the friends I have that have complained about their in laws. It would be too arduous and numerous to name them all. I think about these people and must comment on how God has blessed me. I have to say that I have by far and away the best IL's EVER! This no joke and I would not state it if it wasn't true.

It didn't start out that way of course, this is a relationship that has grown and matured over several years, 15 and half to be exact. My husband and I met in H.S. and his mother especially thought that her little boy could do better. She made it quite plain that she didn't approve of me, that they were less than pleased. When we married 2.5. years after we had met my husband did NOT inform them that we had married. My parents were ecstatic from the beginning and have always supported my decision. When T's parents did find out, it was not good! His parents didn't speak to him for 7 months! When we finally had to tell them we were pg w/ Marcel they relented that this was NOT a figment of their imaginations.

I think the bond of motherhood is what started and has let flourish my relationship with my MIL. Once she really got to know me, she stopped seeing the young women who was stealing her little boy. She had to admit I was a good, decent, loving person. Now I'm not saying we ALWAYS agree but we do agree to disagree and are happy to be so. She is a wonderful, loving, caring, Godly mother and woman. I am truly blessed to have her and my FIL as my "other" parents.

So why all this mush about my IL's well... for mother's day they sent me an Apple Ipod Shuffle. I thought it was because she knew my Sony Mp3 (bean) had died. However when I asked her she said- no, she just thought that since I listened to music all the time it was a good gift. Now tell me truly whose IL's would do THAT for their DIL ? I know of only one other person who's IL's are as cool. And I'm happy to call her my Sissy. The Campanelli's are as loving to my sister as the Hardy's are to me. How my sister and I were singled out by God to have such a blessing..... I will never know. But I will NOT question it. I always accept it gladly and with many thanks.

the signs of a bad fibro day

Today I woke up and realized it was going to be a bad Fibro day. then I realized that I've never explained what a bad Fibro day actually feels like. Now I'm going to describe a day of about an 8 on the pain scale. This is where my pain is today and yes it hurts to type.

So to begin we start with what happens when you wake up. Usually I realize before I get out of the bed that I'm hurting but today ahhh not so much. I idiotically jumped out of bed with the alarm and quickly realized I was screwed. I stumbled to the bathroom yelling at myself the whole way. You see my legs were jumpy w/ some throbbing pain and very unsteady. After waking the kids I immediately climbed back into bed. I awoke some time later about 10 am, and got dressed and came to my office. As i sit hear I am experience a wide range of pain symptoms. I am going to make a list by body part and then what the pain feels like or/and what the part looks like.

1. face- warm, achy, tight, heavy, tender- w/ my cheeks being puffy and red.
2. arms- heavy, achy and pulsing
3. hands- heavy, achy, shaking, tender w/ the palms being puffy the knuckles swollen and the hands and all over pinkish which will probably be a deep red by the end of this post.
4. chest and neck- tender and tight
5. back and shoulders- tight, tender, achy, nagging w/ the back injury places being an intermittent jabbing and stabbing pain when I move to quickly
6. legs- heavy, shaky, tender, w/ them being unable to hold my weight whenever they feel they can't
7. feet and ankles- tight, achy, and just a tad swollen

Over All- I am lethargic, achy, sweating, and mad. My temper will be short today, i feel for my children and husband. I forced myself to get out of bed and now am wishing I was back in it. Days like this are extremely annoying, it's as if my body has gone on strike. Now there are always or usually reasons for the revolt. Yesterday I played a couple games of hands of Hand and Foot (a card game) with my one my AZ bf's., Stephanie. Who is actually a transplant from Alaska, but I did it knowing my back was unhappy. Then we ran to the movie store to return a movie, to the kid's school (Taty's sandals had broke), and then to TC's for lunch. And as if that wasn't enough we ran to the BX after that to check out grills for Steph w/ the expertise of my husband. Bad, Bad, Bad me, I knew I was pushing but did it anyway- DUMB. So now I pay for it

Now not all of my bad days are this bad, but this is a pretty bad one and looks to get worse. I'm going to end this post her because simply I have come to my ability to tolerate the pain. I need to medicate, eat , and sleep. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. Thankfully AZ has made it so that my goo days outweigh the bad. I could be an 8 today and a 3 (normal) tomorrow. Wish me luck!

relaxed, rested, reprieved

There something to be said for giving yourself a treat. I have to admit with money being so tight, that it was a moment of frivolity. However it was much needed, as you have seen by more recent posts. Life has been hectic, harrowing, and brutal. Yet we have remained steady and grounded. With that, my friend Steph and I decided we were going to have a us moment. We went to the nail salon and had pedicures. I do have to say we paid WAY too much and I will not be going back to THAT salon. Yet the service was good and my toes look fantabulous, not to mention it made me FEEL good. And there's something about doing something for yourself when you NEED. Sometimes it has to be , and that is totally unselfish and well-deserved.

I have ALWAYS had a hard time treating myself. I always feel like I could have spent the money or the time in another wiser way. It's been one of those Achilles heel's for me. I struggle with it and maybe that's why I have such a hard time with my dh. I always feel like he does a lot of very selfish things. To me he seems to do it ALL the time. Where as it is weeks even months between my selfish diversions. As a matter of fact I am sure that the last time I had a pedicure was late February and it is now May. When I was working and money was common and flowing I went every 2 weeks. And every visit I to had both my hands and feet done. Now I feel as if it is a luxury item and should be saved for special occasions. Time and money should not be squandered just because you can, and even more so we you can't.

Ahh, that I feel better and will now climb into my bed, feeling as if the world is right for a least one moment.

Lost in the memories

I had the most wonderful phone conversation today. I was lost in memories and catching up with my oldest and dearest friend. It was soul soothing. Now matter how long it is between our conversations or meetings we notice the gaps but it's like we still live right down the street from each other. In fact he commented about the fact that my son will be starting middle school next school year. Then he says '....sometimes I feel like we are still in the sixth grade, ourselves..." As he was saying that I realized that we had been friend since the 6th grade. When I lived 5 minutes from him on the westside of Columbus, Ohio. I am now 32, and we've been friend's for over 20 yrs. Unbelievable.

We had been playing phone tag for a couple of days and respectfully I knew that he is extremely busy. He is one of the head hunchos for the glaad organization in NYC. Right now that man is really unreachable and yet he still found time for me. I of course, was humbled and delighted. The fact that he agreed to help w/ another little pet project I'm working on, well.... Needless to say I am very honored that I will have his assistance. To me his help (in my mind) assures the success of the project. He is one of those NEVER FAIL kind of people. He always gives his best and anyone who has ever worked with him or just plain knows him will feel awed. All I can say is that I feel truly blessed for his continued friendship and his unconditionally love that has lasted many years and many miles.

Weekends on your back, definitely suck

For those of you with interesting turns of the mind retrieve then from the gutter. I'm talking specifically about spending the weekend in bed because I injured my back on Thursday during a fall. Needless to say the fall aggravated my Fibro and now I'm in amounts of pain I find extremely uncomfortable.

I have a doctor's appointment at 12:45 and I plan to ask for some measures to be taking. I'm really tired of dealing with the amount of pain I do on a daily basis. I also need to see a Physical Therapist. If I could I'd like to be able to have a therapeutic massage every week. I know Tricare probably won't cover it but I really need it. I do know it's one of the few things that does help relax my muscles and promote healing in my already pain riddled body.

As far as the rest of life goes, well...... it goes. Marcel is doing very well. He brought his progress report home for the final qtr. and he has all A's and one B. very Nice! On Tatyanna we are still waiting to see specialists it's just a waiting game now. Her reading has definitely improved and now she is reading anything she can get her hands on. She is definitely like her mam w/ the books. I'm so excited for her, discovering the world of books is always exciting. Back in Ohio life spends out of control and I hear all my info second and third hand. That is very annoying but at least I get the info, right. My kid sister just signed on her house and I wait patiently to find out when my bro and my Dad are going to come down to visit us in our new home. My baby bro has already visited but his next visit is going to be a little longer hopefully. I always miss my family more than ever when I'm going through. There's no "real" no physical support, ya know. I could really use a sibling hug right now.

So everyone when life reaches a semblance of sanity I'm sure yall will be the first to know.

Are you an equal partner, do you know your worth?

I have been married for 13 yrs in July to a wonderful man. I married young and although I have few regrets I do have some, who doesn't. However they are trivial right now, it's my current marital concerns that are not. My dh is a GOOD person, he is fair, loving, great with people, and everyone says so. Now he is really all those things, just not to me . Ever since I became ill I've kind of become invisible. I used to believe he fell in love w/ me, Candace, the WHOLE person. I'm starting to realize that that is not necessarily true. When I was a size 4 and 120 lbs, we would got out and he would "show me off' to all and sundry. Then I thought it was cute, I even played along. Now it just seems childish, I was a possession, it was like I was a car. When he takes me out now, IF he takes me out he puts me in a dark corner and runs around socializing, coming back occasionally to check on me. He hides me, he's ashamed of his "broken" wife. Even when after the children had added some weight I still had worth to him because I was working. I made REALLY good money, so he showed me off as an asset but not as a partner. It's hard when you come to that realization that the love of your life does not see you. He only sees you when you are well, a possession or tool. I truly believe that the only thing he sees in me now is my ability to manage the finances, care for the children and read my way through the pain.

A tendency to dwell

I have what my dh calls worry-woritis. It is a recurring and annoying syndrome. I worry about the silliest crap, and the big stuff almost drives me insane. I know you are not supposed to sweat the small stuff, but the big stuff makes me dehydrated. To say I've been dwelling on alot of really big things is kind of redundant. Life has just not been any fun here. Our finances suck, Torrey and I have no visible type of relationship. I really wonder if I'm even still married, there's the ring but that's about the only physical connection I have to him. The stuff with Taty is up in the sir, tests upon tests that have to be performed. Then we have to wait for answers, it's all so frusterpating. And life in itself is just short of crummy, my eyes burn from lack of sleep and head aches from too much unneeded information. And still I pray because He may not answer when I ask Him too, but He will answer.

Waiting

I write and I wait and I pray. Tatyanna's MRI was successful but I would like to avoid at all costs the image of my dd going under anesthesia. It was not something a Mother should have to experience. I am still saturating myself in te word of Gad the battle has just begun. The MRI report says that Taty has something called a Rathke's Cleft Cyst. You can read up on it here http://www.pituitary.org/disorders/rathkes_cleft_cysts.aspx . Apparently benign but with the probability to cause pituitary dysfunction/disorders. So now our dear dd has to see a neurologist and a endocrinologist. I am just praying and waiting.

As for me the stress from all of this is having a field day with my Fibro. Stress is one of those things that they say to "avoid" when you have Fibro. How can you "avoid" stress when it comes looking for you. Whatever, I stopped listening to the impossible requests a long time ago. So now I'm trying to get thru the pain and keep my spirit from wigging out. I love being a mother but this week has been one of those for the annuals.

When Faith is all you have

Be glad that faith is all around you and is able to surround you, even when yours is sorely tried.
My BABY Girl

Create Your Own
my little princess is maturing too fast. So I decided to see why, I took her to the Doctor on Friday. She's been having these really horrible headaches, more like migraines. She has enough hair on her body for a girl of 11 about to start her menses and she already has body odor, and acne. Obviously I was concerned, and so are her doctor's. They have scheduled a MRI for Monday w/ sedation to figure out what's going on there.

So naturally I'm a little worried, but this is where your Faith has to overwhelm your worry. I've been in prayer, and surrounding myself with the things of God. Trying to create an atmosphere in which to let Him do what he needs to do. Even while I type Ce Ce Winans new CD Thy Kingdom Come blasts from my computer. The song on now called the Test of Time, explains that God is in control, even when we are in pain, to comfort, He continues love. He is in Control for He is God..... I'm letting these words sink into my spirit.

I just have to believe that He is God. All of you know that it is hard when you are the one going through to focus on something greater than yourself. Especially when it is your child, your baby. I continue to pray, to put myself in His hands.

Today is NOT the day

Today couldn't be the day cuz my Fibromyalgia has decided it isn't. I missed the alarm clock to wake my children, then missed them leave for school, and next thing I knew it was almost 10 am. Fibro is annoying it pleases only itself, it is in essence a whiny child. I always feel like I just linger in this life when my Fibro flares. I sit on the edge of life while it passes me, I live in the pain and pine in the ache that it is. No one understands how pain can be so completely consuming. Yet here am I overwhelmed by it, struggling not to devour everything in the house to cover the pain. All I can do is medicate myself in the hope that my Fibro will accept my offering and allow me a modicum of temporary relief.

Now I'm going to do just that, maybe try to reading a little, as a distraction. I will hobble from my computer to my kitchen grab a snack, hobble to my room, take some meds and pray. Always Praying, forever in prayer asking the Lord to just give me peace in the pain.

Cracked and a little dazed

. Cracked is right and dazed from drugs. While eating a snack yesterday, I hear a resounding crack. I inspect my mouth in the bathroom mirror to discover that I have cracked one of my lower right teeth. Now I have to say I have some of the most horrible teeth anywhere. I have a GORGEOUS smile, but my dental health is seriously lacking. I brush, I floss, I get cleanings but I just have BAD teeth. So, this tooth is a tooth that has many fillings in it, at least 3 that I could see. No to mention it's been filled since I was about 10 or 11. So the fillings were old and deteriorating hence the split from my mouth.

I got to the dentist today and he says WOW you need work. I'm like you think? But I must say he was really nice, gentle and quick. He says I need a crown and a possible root canal. If I have a root canal it will be my 4th or 5th, I'm unsure So now I wait patiently as my mouth thaws from the anesthetic. I'm so ready to eat, I haven't eaten since I cracked my tooth. PB&J is sounding good and I'm NOT a PB&J woman.

As for the family. Taty has been having some really strange headaches, which we are having her checked out for more thoroughly on Friday. For right now the poor thing is on Tylenol w/ Codeine. Marcel- nothing really knew. The dh, well he's busy and his shifts as usually have no predictable course. But such is the life of a military family.

Well I think I'm about done my mouth is alive again and I can now feel my tongue. However I can also feel that tooth, and the throbbing pain it has now developed. Yeouch!

It's been an interesting last couple of days. I'm working on a project right now that is so far going very well. unfortunately I'm not at liberty to say what that project is at the moment. However I will say that is life changing, as well as being a really BIG surprise for all my Mommy friends.

As far as the family goes the kids had been sick over the weekend and I was working on getting them well. Marcel's asthma is acting up but they put him on a burst of steroids and he should start to feel good as new soon.

The dh got a flat tire on Sunday night early Monday. He scared about 5 years off me with this one. His phone went dead and then he had to pump the spare by hand. So I didn't get a call from him telling me where he was or why he was late until almost 3am. Not cool!

Yesterday while cooking dinner he decided to April me Fool by telling me he got a remote assignment to Korea for a year, leaving in December. I believed him whole heartedly but didn't freak out. I just thought oh well I'm a military spouse, what can I do? When the military send down a decree you say okay. While mulling over what was said I realized what day it was and asked him if he was fooling me. Of course he said yes, so I punched in the arm. So NOT funny.

Today I'm crashing a little so I will be heading to bed momentarily, with some Percocet and Flexril as nap time companions. I hope everyone has a great rest of the day.

Lonely still

We've been here for almost 7 months and still I get lonely. I made a LOT of very close friend in the AK and if I think about it in FL too. But I don't know it just seems really hard at this moment in time to separate myself from my feelings. Maybe Aunt Flow is coming, who knows I'm so irregular. It's just that i was just on My Space and saw an old AK friends page. Her kids have grown so much since may of last year. It's been almost a year since we saw them last. Her dd and mine were BFF's and I know Taty misses Mac alot. I know I miss Grace. I just had to put this up before I finally got my butt into bed. I was amazed by how much it hurt, I actually started to tear up looking at the pics.

Loopedy, loop, loop

Sometimes I think I'm riding a roller coaster and I'm the one that's about ready to pee on herself. I hate roller coasters by the way. Last night was crucial, a real dozy of a pain night. 6 Percocet and 3 Flexril, and I feel like someone stuffed cotton wool in my mouth. I laid in bed an prayed that I would just pass out but no such luck. Then I started to ramble at my poor husband. I really talked a wind about him, about spending more time with his family, mostly. At least that is what my tells me that I was saying. Being that medicated, I'm not really all that certain. He was so sweet, he listened in a sleep stupor and answered with a lot of Huh's? I'm not staying on the computer too long today. I'm going to pick a book, and some lunch then sleep, veg, probably re-medicate. I'm still screaming on this dang roller coaster and I really would like to get off.

I'll take my aches w/ a side of blah

I so overdid it yesterday. Can you say dumb? You'd think by now I would have figured out what my physical limits are. I've only been sick for oh 33 months, just short of 3 years. But nooo, I can't seem to get it. Gee Mo Peep it all aches even my pelvis. Why does my pelvis ache? I haven't used that part of my body for anything good in WEEKS! I feel like someone has beaten quite soundly with large watermelons. My temper is short and the pain is nasty.

The good thing I have meds to control the pain. The bad thing I try not to take those meds unless I'm in dire straights. So I have been putting off medicating myself ALL day so that I can get in bed and not have to do anything else. Another good thing the kids have been fed and I have nothing else pressing to do this evening. So as soon as I finish a couple of things I've been working on I willl be medicating and reading myself to sleep.

This is one of the moments in my Fibro journey that I am like I REALLY HATE PAIN, pain is like as I've said many times-

Having Fibromyalgia pain, is like trying to tell a 2 year old No. That should be every Fibromites motto

.

I'm sure the world is upside down and I'm right side up

Everyone I know seems to be going through the fire right now or knows someone who is. Family acting evil and indifferent, children hurting themselves, friends who have family issues. I sit here and ponder this illogical insane world. People who have no morals, or sense. Politicians that admit to stupidity and expect you to still vote for them. Husbands who choose their careers over their families. Mother's who would rather take drugs, drink and party then love their children. I'm confused and sadden by the state of the world. Yet I look at my own children and they are smart, safe, and well loved. Even while the world spins inside out and upside down, my family stays right sided and blessed. Thank you Lord for your blessings even when the stress is overwhelming, You still bless and keep. I will try to see the positive in every situation and pray for the understanding to see past the insanity.

I wish I had the money for a beautician!

I braided my son's hair yesterday, that was chores! I wanted to post about it yesterday but after the creditor post my hands were so done. His hair has gotten so long and beautiful, it's not fair. My dd has to have dreads because her scalp is so bad and it can not tolerate relaxers anymore. I had to have all my cut off because it was breaking off and going gray from stress. It is ridiculous. How can my wonderful 11 y/o boy be so blessed. Oh well at least one of us has good hair.

I HATE MONEY

I am not a bad financial manager but Gee Mo Peep, I can not get blood out of a rock. I just spent the most harrowing moments of my life on the phone with a creditor/lawyers office. He was not nice. I'm just going to say that I HATE creditors, I HATE them. They are mean and annoying, and heartless. What made it worse was that he was trying to make me sound like I was dumb and overreacting to his "threats that weren't threats". He kept telling me that I was just perceiving his "threats" as threats. The fact that he kept telling me that if I didn't pay them when they said that my dh was going to lose rank, that the fees to go to court would be worse, that the world was basically going to come to an end, were just perceived threats. I tried to be calm but when you are disabled and your choices are be minimally functional or work. With minimally functional being, getting dressed everyday, taking care of my kids, and if I can making dinner.

What am I supposed to do, never leave the house (gas being outrageous), never feed my family, not pay other bills to make the one company happy. This is not the worse situation we have ever been in but I'm losing my hair and going gray for a pretty good reason.

Where I'm going

So I've been on this mother's board since my youngest was born in 2000. It started as a Expecting Mother's board on iVillage in I'm thinking February 2000. Well we've all moved, some of us have had more children, things have changed good or bad. I'm guessing there is about 35-40 of us and that's a high number. Well to the point I'm rambling, we are all (well most of us) going to FINALLY meet each other in Chicago. The Windy City this summer, I can't wait.
Now I have to say that some of us have already met, but we've rarely met in groups larger than 4 maybe 5. I have met about 5 people off the board myself, and I'm really looking forward to meeting some of those I seem to keep missing. Right now we are forming committee's and nailing down dates. At this point all I care about is how soon can it get here. There's just something about a bunch of women getting together to have a great time that just makes life seem a little sweeter.